tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18341555508473074862024-03-13T13:01:31.765-04:00Once in a LifetimeI'm having the trial of my life!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.comBlogger99125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-70495585260589528562017-05-19T09:47:00.000-04:002017-05-19T09:47:29.176-04:00Mick Jagger Bogarted My Meds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3oBtlctPJvIMwjqijmDSBqsEwMN58UFEBH_XLBmjXoS-_f8YpZilJEbnyte2-K040vmoYC9v31qX1Z1TJWL1x2LJJQLg-cEzrMG4aEQvePttCN0mod7ZuqlRfap_aFY4jRD_KDDDrovU/s1600/1C5163385-ree-hines1DE03E6F-1137-D2E2-9A9E-B0EBC312CD8E.today-inline-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3oBtlctPJvIMwjqijmDSBqsEwMN58UFEBH_XLBmjXoS-_f8YpZilJEbnyte2-K040vmoYC9v31qX1Z1TJWL1x2LJJQLg-cEzrMG4aEQvePttCN0mod7ZuqlRfap_aFY4jRD_KDDDrovU/s1600/1C5163385-ree-hines1DE03E6F-1137-D2E2-9A9E-B0EBC312CD8E.today-inline-large.jpg" /></a></div>
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I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I may have mentioned it before but there are stretches where
I’m literally incapable of writing anything. It’s not that the muse isn’t
present, it’s just that the will is weak.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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For me, writing used to be easy and fun. Now I have to be in
the right frame of mind and physically up to do it. So it comes in spurts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway, I’m in the process of switching meds. My psych is
switching out my Lexapro for Cymbalta. And it just took me two minutes to
remember the name of the drug. Hell, I’m just popping pills so much I can’t
even remember what I’m taking!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m on the one week weaning which is always a fun time when
you’re taking two SSRIs at the same time. How have I been feeling? A weird kind
of mellow is how I would put it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m mellow but confused and forgetful. And, I’m dropping
almost everything I touch. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Still, mellow like a hash buzz is better than the Midnight
screaming meemies. For those of us who have been trying to find the right med
combination for decades, the period between switching one to the other is
partly opening the presents on Christmas morning and partly dread. You don’t
know the longer lasting effects until weeks pass. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Why Cymbalta? The psych feels it will give me more energy,
less lethargy, perhaps an appreciation of golf on TV, I have no idea. I
remember I was on it once but I don’t remember why I got off it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Such is life in the Wide Wide World of Psychotropic
Medication. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Good points:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Occasional Zen-like moments of introspective tranquility – even
at work<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Better sleep<o:p></o:p></div>
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Bad points<o:p></o:p></div>
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Appearing and feeling occasionally drunk; balance issues. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Loss of extemporaneous speaking prowess.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Weird points<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Zen state causes me to stare at inanimate objects and
contemplate their existence. Staring at a lock on a door: “Wow, always wondered
just how locks work with the keys and all that. Fascinating construction.
Wonder what metal it’s made of? Beautiful man!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Earwigs – the songs you hear or just appear in your head
become mantras that last a long, long time. Currently, walking down the hall:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Laughter, joy, and
loneliness and sex and sex and sex and sex<br />
Look at me, I'm in tatters<br />
I'm a shattered<br />
Shattered<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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Cool beans bro. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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No I’m just groovin’ to the morning vibes. Don’t ask me how
I drive. Man alive, thrive on jive. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m a cool poppa, 54 going on 21; what the Hell, it beats
curling up in bed hiding from the world, shaking and sweating into the sheets. God
love Big Pharma. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Rats on the west side,
bed bugs uptown<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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I’m a creative. I write. I’m in control of my brain though I’m
feeling my emotions drain. It’s vanilla shit but the vanilla beans are fresh
and I’m satisfied. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Spacing out at the keyboard, wondering how long this will
last<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>My brain's been
battered, splattered all over Manhattan . . .</i></div>
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<i><br />
Shadoobie, my brain's been battered<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>my brain's been
battered;<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>brain's been battered;<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>battered;<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>shattered;<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Shadoobie;<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
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<i>;</i><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-12360476871746488512017-05-08T11:54:00.000-04:002017-05-08T11:54:39.644-04:00OK, So I LiedI've been nicely strong-armed back to a blogging group on Facebook in which we work to increase each other's blog awareness.<br />
<br />
I've never been a part of such an effort but the people who run it, run it like schoolteachers. To wit: you get an assignment every Monday to link a FB post to this FB page. Then other members read and comment and like and well, I'm still trying to grasp it completely, but I thought it would push me in a more positive direction and keep me writing.<br />
<br />
They are strict - do the assignments, don't fake it, or you're kicked out.<br />
<br />
Writing is hard work. For me, it used to be a breeze but depression knocks the winds from your sails in many ways, especially bipolar depression and my traveling companion, anxiety. So it's very tough for me to write regularly - the muse comes in spurts. Heh heh (forever 12).<br />
<br />
Anyway, I had a great time in New York City but when I came home I crashed very hard and am still not in a good place. The sick reason is that I was having so much fun I completely put work and all other troubles out of my mind.<br />
<br />
You may think that's a good thing - but the way my mind works, when I came back on Wednesday, the shock of going back to work was too much. You see, when I worry, I'm prepared. Yes, I count the hours until I get back to work but it prepares me mentally for whatever may happen.<br />
<br />
To forget my troubles for four days invites a sort of mental illness tsunami in which ALL of the worries come back at once. It's easier for me to deal with them continuously. As a consequence, I told my wife we'll probably not take a vacation like this for a long time.<br />
<br />
Yeah, it sucks big time.<br />
<br />
In addition since coming back, I've been having heightened anxiety and work flashback which have really thrown me for a loop since I haven't experienced those in many months. I see my shrink on Wednesday and we need to talk about this. The Ativan isn't working like it should - I'm taking more - and I feel like I'm on the verge.<br />
<br />
Being 'on the verge' is not a good place to be, believe me. I even departed FB for the weekend because I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was harming me. How? When I get really angry, anxious, worried or lonely, I post things that I should not - I'm trolling for attention and I become one of those people I dislike on FB. It also feeds a bad spiral that causes me to become more depressed, anxious and mad and post more.<br />
<br />
I think it's therapy - it's not. It's coming apart in front of a small audience of friends, many of whom do not know how to take it, And I'm putting those friends in an uncomfortable situation. Facebook is a drug - it can be good or bad but when I'm in a serious state it's a bad drug.<br />
<br />
Twitter seems different but that's because I try to avoid getting into flame wars and only deal with people in my interest circles. Yes, it's an echo chamber (so is FB) but people like me can't, and I really need to stress this, can't let their emotions drag them into something they regret. And when my emotions are on a hair-trigger, that is not a good thing to exhibit on a forum more public than Facebook.<br />
<br />
I recently finished binge watching '13 Reasons Why' which will be the subject of another blog post.<br />
<br />
PS: I told you all that my writing would reflect the mood I was in on a particular day and I wasn't kidding.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-6624887379968845062017-05-05T09:58:00.001-04:002017-05-05T10:26:12.833-04:00The last worthless blog post that you'll have to read<div class="MsoNormal">
PS: Read <a href="http://johnpavlovitz.com/" target="_blank">John Pavlovitz</a>. He writes about what matters much better than I. He's who I wanted to be I guess.<br />
<br />
I am home sick with a migraine.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Probably caused by stress.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But that’s not why I’m writing this. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve been hit with depression since I returned home from my
vacation on Wednesday that has gradually become more severe. I think that the
severity is due to the stark differences from spending four days in Manhattan
truly enjoying myself and the reality of coming back to work in a place that is
like a real haunted house – one I can’t escape and keep telling myself that I
should be grateful to work for in light of how much they pay me for so little
work I actually do. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I used to work in jobs where I felt I made a difference but
lost them all because I couldn’t control the emotions caused by a condition I
didn’t even know I had.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But that’s all over now and I finally accept that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Circumstances have forced me to accept that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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You know, I could go on like I usually do in these boring
screeds but in this case let me TRY to be mercifully brief for all seven
readers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My skills are deteriorating. I can’t stand the world I live
in anymore. I have overburdened my wife with my illness. I hate myself. I can’t
take the fact that I could have been much more than what I turned out to be if
I had been able to master my illness earlier in life. Some people can live with
that, I can’t.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Nobody really wants to hear anyone whine. Trust me, this
will be the last one. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When one door closes, another one opens. But what if it
doesn’t? How do you force the door? After over 30 years of being an ‘escape
artist’ in life, the door is closed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m tired of being told about attitude and outlook and
re-invention and ‘finding your muse’ and all that hippy-dippity self-help crap
that makes its purveyors tons of money while leaving more frustration in its
wake among the people who bought the snake oil. Live in my head for an hour and
tell me how possible all of it is. When your brain reminds you of every
regrettable thing you’ve done your whole life and what a shit you are for doing
it, it’s hard to see out of that fog.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The fog – the forgetting of words, keys, names that keeps
getting worse. A once sharp mind struggling to put coherent sentences together.
Blanking out in the middle of a thought or task. Looking at words written just
ten minutes before and finding them unrecognizable. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Fuck it, I’m overwriting again. I won’t explain myself to
anyone anymore. No one can understand and I don’t give a shit anymore if they
do or not.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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What I really wanted, all I really wanted, was someone to
talk to. I’m a two-time failure with support groups; I won’t go into why. I’ve
had 30 shrinks. I’ve taken boatloads of pills. But all of those could have been
bested by having someone, anyone, who understands all of this to talk to. Not
even someone with bipolar/anxiety/depression but someone who would just be
willing to listen.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve tried. Believe
me, I’ve tried. On Facebook, someone sneezes and 40 of their friends rush to
comfort them. I know, being a guy, it’s much harder. As a man, emotionally and
physically, I’ve been a failure. The guys I went to school with and those I
have met along the way couldn’t understand a person like me. Ergo, most of my
friends have been female. But still there is a big gulf of understanding.
Sometimes they listen but after a while, I get the sense that most of them
wonder when I’m going to get my shit together and start pretending to be happy
and successful – like everyone on Facebook does. Except me of course.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My posts the last day or two have hinted at my deteriorating
state. I’m going to go back and erase them. It really is an embarrassment to
bleed all over a semi-public forum if you’re a guy. I have to admit that as it
went on, the posts were kind of an experiment – would anyone read between the
lines and wonder if I was in some trouble (I am) and reach out.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Well if someone had, I would not be writing this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m done. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I have a function on the 12<sup>th</sup> that requires me to
be on Facebook at least until then. After that, I need to suck it up, be
strong, and separate myself from posting and replying. I’m not cut out for
this. It’s too much of an emotional roller coaster and people like me shouldn’t
play the game because, eventually, we’ll always lose. I can’t pretend to
present a smiling happy successful face to the world when it really doesn’t
exist. And everyone has problems and mine are no greater or lesser or worth the
trouble for anyone else to acknowledge.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I read other people’s lives in their Facebook pages and
wonder what cosmic crimes I committed that I couldn’t have that – that even
when I stumbled there would be people who would reach out – first online, then
in real life. We all still have phones in those computers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But again, I’m whining and I know it. And I’m going long and
I don’t care. Since I was a little kid it’s been this way. I can remember the
first day at school each year at Notre Dame Elementary when I was so excited to
think that maybe this year would be different – this year I could make real
friends and be accepted into the group. I would sit there on the first day
trying to catch someone’s eye to talk to. But they were too busy talking amongst
themselves about the vacations they took and the things they did during the
summer that my parents could never afford. And I would feel this invisible wall
descend around me between me and everyone else. And it hurt. Every year. And it
hurt like hell.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I know I’m not attractive. I was always the fat kid with the
funny last name and the intelligence that even my own mother warned me was
going to be threatening to others. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not to fit in. I’ve
tried to be other people so many times that I really don’t know who I am. I’m tired of trying to lose weight, meet the
right people and get involved in outside activities, clubs and groups only to
crash and burn every time because of some facet of my personality or illness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I know now, it is best for me to be alone and wait. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m lonely but I’ll just have to get over it. At some point
it will end and I will be grateful for it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There will be no more vacations. If I must work where I am,
then I need to be there to not only protect my job but not to let myself think
that it will get any better. This is your life – adjust; until it becomes too
much which it will at some point.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So that’s it. I used to be a writer but now I can’t write
for shit. I used to be on radio now no one wants to hear me. My time has come
and gone. The mental health organizations want young good-looking faces for
their writing and speaking staffs. No one cares about middle aged white guys
with mental issues until we become a statistic – <i>‘my God, look at the rates of suicide spiking for this group!</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>‘Well, having been on
top for so long on the backs of others, they’re just getting what they
deserve.’<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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I’ve never felt on top of anything. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As I wrote above, I have nothing to say that hasn’t been
said about my condition by others who can now write circles around me. It was a
decent ride; I had a lot of luck but I don’t see the worth in wasting my time
writing something that no one really wants to read. I don’t feel like wasting
any more time struggling to be fit or sociable when my long track record of
failure in those areas is a testament to futility. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the last entry of the last blog. The last worthless
effort to be heard and understood – and, really believe me, to try to find
others like me – to write for all of us old guys who have felt the pangs of
suicidal ideation but kept going trying to find peace in a world that really
wishes we’d just shut up and hang ourselves already. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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I’ve just looked at the word counter on the bottom of the
screen – 1,400 words of undiluted bullshit. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I’ll stop here.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-82600389372286364392017-04-25T10:43:00.000-04:002017-04-25T10:43:47.590-04:00Boring Man Goes to New York<div class="MsoNormal">
There are, it seems, 10,000 blogs in English talking about
various mental illnesses. Mine is one of those. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, I want to talk about other things as well, with
an emphasis on sharing my experiences in midlife dealing with bipolar2 and
anxiety issues. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think I’ve been doing a very good job of it. I’m not
good at self-promoting. I feel I have something to say but, really, are my
experiences any better or worse; is my writing better or worse than the other
10,000 bloggists? I read some incredible blogs, some that literally want to
make me stand and cheer. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I look at what I write and it seems flat. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I really used to be better than this. I was a columnist for
two daily newspapers. I’ve been a journalist most of my life. I used to get a
lot of kudos for my columns and it kept me going. I enjoyed writing them. I am
acutely aware, right now, that my short sentences must sound like a jackhammer
on the brain.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the last several years, I have forced myself to write
through the illness for my own mental health. This does not always produce
entertaining or enlightening material. And let’s face it: no one wants to read
vanilla blogs. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is a great sadness to me that writing only comes when it
comes. Several days go by and I just can’t do it, even though I have something to
say. And when I do, it all seems so flat; sort of the writing equivalent of a
flat affect personality. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it the medication? I think that plays a part. When I miss
the highs and lows I also miss a lot of the creative spark that could send my writing
flying in all kinds of exciting (and dangerous) directions. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Am I more afraid? Perhaps, but I’m getting over that. Pretty
much everyone who knows me knows what I’m dealing with. There are certain
things and people I can’t write about, family being one of them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think it is possible that I fear wasting the reader’s
time. I’m probably doing that right now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Author David Foster Wallace worried extensively about his
medications hashing his creativity. A switch in medication led him into a downward
spiral resulting in his suicide. Considerations of dropping medications for the
sake of creativity are not to be taken lightly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much as I miss a lot of the old me, I understand why I
must stick to my medication. The mania that was so self-destructive is held at bay
and the depression, well . . . it’s handled as best as can be expected.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My psychiatrist has suggested subbing Celexa for Lexapro
when I get back from New York. I doubt it will make me feel like a ‘new man’
whatever that means, but I’m more willing to experiment (with her supervision)
than I would have been two years ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The basic problem is I can experience all the lows but the
highs bring with them a certain glib silliness without the energy and
creativity I would like to experience again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My psychiatrist said I should mentally prepare myself for
our (my wife and I) upcoming trip New York City. I told her that I was doing
that by imagining every terrible thing that could happen to us. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why do I do this? Simple – it’s insurance for the anxiety.
If I go through every bad thing that might happen, if it does happen, I’m mentally
prepared for it and it’s less of a big deal than being surprised. If nothing
happens and I have a good time – it’s a bonus.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is the typical thinking of people with anxiety issues.
It’s why so many of us find it hard to relax and have a good time. Going to New
York is me pushing myself far out of my comfort zone on the off chance that I
will actually enjoy myself. It beats sitting on the couch wondering: what if?<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-71600983669352200552017-04-20T11:52:00.000-04:002017-04-20T11:52:43.171-04:00My Story in 'My Life and Mental Illness'<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH8-RTCo_mE6q19Mra5whrK3H3QP4DtHIWgqjZ-AZ36rxGc8ADTfP9_H7VV5ewHOOD1WHWROMFVcWCIo9mqi20urc0Pi3H9KgEssHE31QKSWhFlyRQ1C7zD5vUm8ql45sOtQgPkDUbEFQQ/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH8-RTCo_mE6q19Mra5whrK3H3QP4DtHIWgqjZ-AZ36rxGc8ADTfP9_H7VV5ewHOOD1WHWROMFVcWCIo9mqi20urc0Pi3H9KgEssHE31QKSWhFlyRQ1C7zD5vUm8ql45sOtQgPkDUbEFQQ/s320/image.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>Here's the link</b>: <a href="https://mylifeandmentalillness.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/keiths-story/">https://mylifeandmentalillness.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/keiths-story/</a><br />
<br />
<b>Here's the main page:</b> https://mylifeandmentalillness.wordpress.com<br />
<br />
I'd like to thank Maria for including my story in her blog. I am one of many people who are telling their stories in the fight against the stigma surrounding mental illness. These stories show that we're your friends, co-workers, family and people you meet everyday.<br />
<br />
May, by the way, is <a href="http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/may" target="_blank">Mental Health Month</a>. Follow that link to find out all about what's being done to raise awareness and fight stigma. Also, a major point is that awareness is not enough - services have to be available and affordable or society will continue to pay the price.<br />
<br />
I recently found out that in parts of rural America there may be one psychiatrist or psychologist for an area containing 50,000 people? And even if people find a mental health professional nearby, many times they don't have insurance - you know the drill.<br />
<br />
In a way, mental illness touches everyone - probably someone you know. Like any other illness, it is treatable and people do recover and are productive members of society.<br />
<br />
I am very lucky to have such a supportive wife and Facebook friends that put up with my screeds. Many people don't have such a support system and that's what this month is really all about.<br />
<br />
I hope you'll take a few minutes and read these stories and look at some of the materials linked above.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-44400367108134842602017-04-14T08:16:00.000-04:002017-04-14T08:16:16.874-04:00High Anxiety<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLbN04eUUK0Pa1SWBuqsTP-H_TNmjX_hM2ZOIwneesT3LmIzU1F9E09kbRq3DyeEP7dRNwsX6X_czxHC4XoS4d1e36d9IPT38FEzicBi6fPCUhiR4mLh5P4h9CxlcDuFSdYnFlaXBgVmJH/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLbN04eUUK0Pa1SWBuqsTP-H_TNmjX_hM2ZOIwneesT3LmIzU1F9E09kbRq3DyeEP7dRNwsX6X_czxHC4XoS4d1e36d9IPT38FEzicBi6fPCUhiR4mLh5P4h9CxlcDuFSdYnFlaXBgVmJH/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reactions to my Monday therapy experience have not gone
away. This morning I was as nervous as I’ve been in many a month. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t get it. Maybe a therapist could tell me. For two
weeks, I unpacked some fairly traumatic experiences in my life. The first week
was work, the second week was family. This may be because the entire
conversation centered on trauma. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hate that I can’t control the ‘willies’ as I like to call
them through conventional means. My brain races too fast for mindfulness
techniques and Ativan will only take me so far. It’s not good to either drive
or try to work popping too much of that drug.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday in a meeting I got the ‘willies.’ I hoped no one
saw me taking the deep breaths in through the nose and slowly out the mouth.
That DID buy me time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This week, routine meetings have become ordeals of
nervousness and paranoia. Today I have to attend a noonday awards banquet which
I am dreading. At least I get a free meal which is about the best I can say
about the experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My new therapist promised to teach me some techniques (which
I probably already know) for managing these issues. I wanted to unpack some
more personal garbage but perhaps I should give my continuing reveal a rest.
She’s already diagnosed me as PTSD (and surprised other mental health
professional haven’t) and knows enough about me to get to techniques. I suppose
the rest of the shit package can be unwrapped later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The rudimentary Cognitive Behavioral Therapy hasn’t been of
much use either. I KNOW I will survive the day. I KNOW I can make it through this
awards luncheon. I KNOW I can somehow manage my workload. My rational brain
knows these things and keeps telling me I’ll be OK. But all of that knowledge
seems to be overridden by – what? I don’t know. Some part of the brain that
likes to fuck with me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is one of the most frustrating parts of the illness –
getting mad at yourself for not being in control, thereby starting a vicious
circle.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday something else happened. I had an eye appointment
and went to get glasses. While waiting in the mall for the glasses, I
experienced phenomena that comes about every 18 months to two years. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will write a post in Facebook or Twitter and then come
back to that post in 20 minutes and the post will look foreign to me – I didn’t
write it that way. I can remember I wrote a post – right there – but not using
those words and phrases. It’s like someone, not me, completely rewrote it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s a scary thing. I tend to panic and start looking at
other posts and tweets, making sure I haven’t written anything odd or
offensive. I used to joke that I think my ghostly rewrites were better than the
original text. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I did post about it, trying to explain that my posts
might not be written in my normal style and that if I wrote anything people
found odd or offensive to forgive me. I said I’d look at them tomorrow and
correct or delete them if so.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, while writing that post, I was fully aware that
these words might not look the same to me 20 minutes later. So I stared at the
post for about 10 minutes trying to make sure.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When this happens I feel like I’m losing my mind or possibly
having some kind of weird stroke. The episode lasts about 6 hours, always comes
in the late afternoon or evening and is usually gone after a night’s sleep. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By posting it, I was also hoping someone would recognize the
process and maybe help me with some advice. I’ve talked to doctors and the only
thing that was ever done was switch me from Xanax to Ativan. It did not help. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it’s worrisome. The best thing to do is to sign off
social media, stop writing anything, and take a walk and connect with the
environment around me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My fear is that one day I’ll get an episode that might not
go away.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-90903513896061944532017-04-11T11:13:00.000-04:002017-04-11T11:13:03.676-04:00Nightmares of my Father and other things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMm3ydjhlZq9xO-7BJmC6DF8J0aONXDwZwIkS0aS2KAvLTjODIMWjjcD3Xj0H9kHVHYHWu6-KJibf9FZ2hbdjCzvNlfZUSObG-PZZYlkyCsCky8OC0MtTM1F0cgdfMsK-n2LarITTTHAs9/s1600/Nightmares-881x498.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMm3ydjhlZq9xO-7BJmC6DF8J0aONXDwZwIkS0aS2KAvLTjODIMWjjcD3Xj0H9kHVHYHWu6-KJibf9FZ2hbdjCzvNlfZUSObG-PZZYlkyCsCky8OC0MtTM1F0cgdfMsK-n2LarITTTHAs9/s320/Nightmares-881x498.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I must write this out because I fear if I don’t this day
could be worse than I’d imagined.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I already clawed my way out of bed 10 minutes late, had a
cup of coffee and a small bowl of cereal and knew, just <i>knew </i>that I would have to call off sick today.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t want to. I hate calling off sick. But the
overwhelming tiredness, the shaking hands, the seizing feeling in my chest told
me I would be a complete, useless mess if I went in to work.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Waking up at 9:45 a.m. confirmed that feeling. I am still
feeling out of sorts, tight, nervous, jumpy, etc.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to my new psychologist yesterday. It was part two of ‘everything
that ever scared the shit out if you – family edition.’ Last week was work and
modern times edition. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should say something about getting a mental health
diagnoses. Most of the time, you can only get an ‘official’ diagnosis from a
qualified psychiatrist, that is, one with an MD after their names. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Occasionally
a Psy.D (Doctorate in psychology) will do the trick. But getting one from an
MSW (Master’s in Social Work) counselor is a bit rare. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday’s session – ever see those Hitler scenes from the
movie ‘Downfall’ or pretty much any movie featuring Hitler and his emotions get
the best of him and he rages and gesticulates and such? You know, pretty
standard Hitler stuff (note: I hate using Hitler as an analogy but right now
the bastard is the best one I can think of)?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was me. Talking about my family. I was shocked at how
worked up I was. I had covered this ground with other shrinks before but I
never gotten quite this worked up. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My shrink was concerned and told me we needed to get off the
topic because she wanted me to leave in a settled state of mind. I understood
this as Turnpike driving is bad enough without me processing another beating
from my father.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She wanted me to look her in the eyes. I had not been doing
that the entire session or the one before. Because what I was telling her
embarrassed and ashamed me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“There is no doubt in my mind that I can diagnose you with
PTSD,” she said. I questioned, she was firm. I asked her to talk to my psychiatrist
since Dr. H-S is protective and cautious of her diagnoses. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My shrink would. But she held firm. It was that obvious
after two sessions? Yes, she said, and, really, nobody has ever broached PTSD
with you before? No, I replied, no one had. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so, I went home and everything seemed OK. I had dinner,
did a little Internet surfing, watched Jeopardy, talked about it with my wife,
all the usual. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I went to bed and the gates of Hell opened.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not even here, not even now or maybe even later, will I
recount the dream that woke me, finally at 3:15 a.m. It was one of those dreams
that you clutch the covers and look around a darkened room convincing yourself
that this is the <i>real world</i>, not the
one you just left.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I clawed my way backwards out of bed, trying not to wake up
my wife, downed an Ativan and went to the bathroom to try to get my shit
together. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will tell you the dream was about my father and a cat my
mother had. It involved a weapon. And that’s as far as I will go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was, without a doubt, the worst dream of my life. And, it
had seemed to go on for hours. In dreams, it may have indeed lasted that long.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I must have sat there for 20 minutes at least – shaking,
breathing hard, trying to concentrate. Our cat came and sat next to me. Our cat
seems to know when we need some company, so I was not surprised. She did not
nuzzle me and jump up and demand petting as she normally would. It’s like she
knew I didn’t want to be touched but just to have someone there. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other thought I had is, it’s interesting that my father,
dead since 1983, could transcend the decades to reach out and touch me again and
make me hate him all the more. Some shrinks talk about giving someone space in
your head. I guess he never left or something else is going on I’d rather not
believe. Because this is not the first time I’ve had a nightmare about him –
just by far the worst.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I managed to go back to sleep with more Z-Quil, a half
Ativan and some meditation music. I knew that if I stayed up from that point I
would just be re-living this dream over and over.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It didn’t work. I woke up less than two hours later and knew
I had a problem. But I did my best to get up and try to shake it off and go to
work. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here I am. I have a day to try to work my way out of
this, forget the feels as best I can, and not fear sleep tonight although I
think that’s a given.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I understand my shrink’s concern about covering certain
subject matter. Yesterday’s session must have somehow planted a ticking time
bomb in my subconscious that went off in my sleep. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recounting the subject
matter covered in the session and in my dream, I think it’s a good bet. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why this reaction now when previous re-tellings didn’t spawn
this reaction? All I could think of is the cumulative aspects of the last 10
years – taking care of my infirm mother, watching her slowly die while trying
to protect her estate from a sister whose boyfriend threated to kill me (in
front of my mother). Also: my job, the SWAT team raid on the house and then the
18-month inquisition at work that followed – all of it, wrapped up in one awful
package. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here on the couch, in a darkened living room, trying to
write it out, am I. It looks like rain. The cat has left me and I just had a
piece of raisin bread and a cup of tea. I don’t know how to process the rest of
the day. I don’t know what my co-workers are thinking of me having taken the
balance of the afternoon yesterday to attend this session with an eye
appointment looming Thursday. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, I always worry what they think. Because one time what
they thought about me almost got me killed in front of my wife. A ‘mistake’ the
current director refused to apologize for since wasn’t in charge then. I
thought I’d forgiven that; I guess I haven’t. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know when I come in tomorrow, I will work twice as hard,
twice as fast, to make up for it – out of fear, no more, no less. I can’t
escape the place, I told my shrink, so I will have to deal with it or lose
everything. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember years ago, the Most Giant Asshole Rush Limbaugh
pontificating that “fear is a great motivator.” It was, as he admitted, easy
for him to say. Decades later, that fear would produce Trump. Fear is never a
great motivator. If you rely on fear to motivate other or yourself, eventually,
you’ll break down your people or yourself. Perhaps some thrive off it, I don’t
know. The Limbaugh legions (who have now moved on to the even more execrable
Bannon bastards), would probably attribute it to being a ‘snowflake.’ <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The personal is the political indeed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But somewhere, deep down inside, a little growing voice
tells me I am stronger than I know. To have gone through all of this and not
jumped into a homemade noose is a good thing – taking nothing away from the
poor souls to whom the pain was too great. We live in a society where the
suicidal are <a href="http://gawker.com/texts-show-teen-pushing-her-boyfriend-to-suicide-when-1727821602" target="_blank">hounded into their grave</a> as a <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2017/04/10/us/boy-prank-death-trnd/" target="_blank">kind of sport.</a> But my heart aches
for each misguided soul to whom the pressures of the world and the<a href="https://themighty.com/2017/03/project-semicolon-amy-bleuel-suicide-there-is-still-hope/" target="_blank"> fight against their illness</a>, have become too great to bear. They have my sympathy –
not my condemnation. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel battered this morning. But for some weird reason, I
will get up and go back there tomorrow – a place that pains me every time I
step on its grounds. I will fight the fear, not only of that, but of crowds,
traffic, cops, my own government, and, most of all, the demons of the past.
There’s still something in me that wants to fight – that insists I fight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But today, I must get my shit together. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-58898550274510071692017-04-08T11:37:00.000-04:002017-04-08T11:37:26.356-04:00I Am (not) A RockPart of the life of most bipolar people is regretting not
living the life they could have lived. In most respects this is caused by the
illness – the inability to make a keep friends, jobs, other social contacts.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p>But environment plays a part too. If one has strong ties to
neighborhoods, friends, parent’s friends and school mates, that can go a long
way towards ameliorating the effects of bipolar behavior. In short – they
already know you’re kinda weird and they accept the good with the bad. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I recently felt this little sting of regret when I saw a
reunion of the eighth-grade class of one of the Catholic schools that fed into
Lake Catholic where I went to high school. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvlD5Dyqj8nn9TbXiPFKZUd1k6dqg1-xjRSTHllfqafPwGZkXskOtfpWAPZvBkPGsEFisXgaTg2TRdpkf_JQu_g5cGOEACBwPVcHZla9c_JYuHDEfL7srIU51jQTTytFF46T5xfYYowdLl/s1600/612fcd0adca95e92d006101551fa2ca3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvlD5Dyqj8nn9TbXiPFKZUd1k6dqg1-xjRSTHllfqafPwGZkXskOtfpWAPZvBkPGsEFisXgaTg2TRdpkf_JQu_g5cGOEACBwPVcHZla9c_JYuHDEfL7srIU51jQTTytFF46T5xfYYowdLl/s320/612fcd0adca95e92d006101551fa2ca3.jpg" width="235" /></a>They aren’t the only Catholic grade school to hold such
reunions. There were a lot of Catholic grade schools in the 70s that had large
classes (it was the height of the enrollment boom) that sent the majority of
their students on to Lake. Now, many of them are struggling to hold on and some
have had to close.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My elementary school I attended beginning in November of my
kindergarten year, still exists. It grew a little and became more exclusive and
expensive than it was. The nuns have pretty much disappeared, giving way to lay
teachers. It is in many way, a shadow of its former self. Which is a good
thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About six miles to the north is St. Mary’s Chardon where
most of the people I rode the buses with went to school. It was a bus transfer
point for Notre Dame’s students. It was also my family’s parish where we went
to church. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But my mother (who was the sole decision maker here – the
only time in our family she was allowed to make unilateral decisions, perhaps
because she was a cradle Catholic and my dad was not) refused to send me there.
Her story, passed down through the years, was that a teacher at St. Mary’s told
her that if she wanted the better Catholic education available, to send me to
Notre Dame.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But Notre Dame has the beginnings of what would become a
long waiting list to get in, as the entire school from K-8 had room for less
than 400 students. So, I went to a public school, Park Elementary (strangely
enough with some kids that would transfer later to St. Mary’s) until November
of my kindergarten year when I was unceremoniously yanked out of what I thought
was a fun school and delivered to the tender mercies of the Sisters of Notre
Dame. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To say this was a shock to my system was putting it mildly.
I will skip details; I’ve discussed some of them earlier in this blog.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the real mistake was probably made earlier when my
parents decided to move from Mayfield Heights to Chardon. I was on the verge of
kindergarten when they moved (August 1968) and was set to go to my neighborhood
public school in the Mayfield system, one of the better and later, best in
Ohio. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was also the system where my mother taught second grade –
not in the school I would have gone to, mind you. But there would have been
some familial clout later when she because the teacher’s union president.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I often stare at the ceiling at 3 a.m. and wonder what my
life would have been like to go to school with the kids I knew in my
neighborhood, without ever having to be subjected to the ritualistic
humiliation suffered at the hands of the nuns, largely for two reasons – my
parents weren’t rich and I was a willful and smart kid who didn’t want to hide
it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even though my mother would never admit, I was in the worst
possible situation I could have been placed in. Even she would later admit that
I learned almost nothing in school relative to what I taught myself by reading.
Several years into my 8 ½ year sentence, even my father was making the case to
my mother that perhaps I should transfer to St. Mary’s. If you knew my father,
or have read about him here, you know that his objections were significant.
Usually he didn’t care if I was suffering if it would ‘toughen me up.’ But he
had seen enough of the nuns’ behavior and what went on in the halls that even
he was disturbed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got off easy. We literally drove some kids right out of
that school through bullying – kids that entered in the fourth and fifth grade.
And yes, I participated lest they pick on me. And I was picked on enough being
a fat kid with a funny last name, a geeky intelligence and a family nowhere
near the economic level of the most popular kids. And there was nowhere to
escape when you spend almost nine years with the same 26 kids (more or less) in
the same room.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An aside: I often wonder if it ever occurred to her when she
sent me to my first shrink between seventh and eighth grade, that my school
environment would have had something to do with it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But mom held fast. First, as I said, it was the only
decision she had ever been allowed to make unilaterally in our family and
second, she was one of these people who believed that once you committed to
something, you should stick it out no matter what the damage or regret. After
all, she didn’t have to be exposed to the nuns on a daily basis, she didn’t
have to stand in a lonely outfield on a hot day waiting for the occasional fly
ball that I would inevitably drop.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She also didn’t have to attend the Cub Scout pack comprised
of people from the local elementary schools I didn’t go to when the majority of
my Notre Dame classmates were part of the pack at. . .yep. . . St. Mary’s.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I KNOW this sounds like whining and I get that. But she
couldn’t have devised a childhood to fuck me up more. I was surrounded by
people I couldn’t bind with. And my insecurity as I got older just got worse as
the mental issues took hold. Chicken or the egg? Causation or correlation? I’ll
never know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was paroled from Notre Dame and went to Lake Catholic
I was very intimidated at first. But the people I met were not like the kids at
Notre Dame. They seemed far more accepting. There were more people like me. And
a lot less snootiness. After about a month, I was in smoothly and greatly
relieved.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t perfect but for me, no environment is ever
perfect. But, although it isn’t the same most people, high school, looking
back, was some of the best years of my life, especially after what I had gone
through. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The years immediately after high school were full of effort
on my part, to retain those friendships and connections. Eventually, slowly and
sometime painfully, eventually, we all drifted apart.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha3VERIEkgpYfYOo6bHE1haPN0QuUSxnCKXPgpeqC0huJleAqmH0xRuDLqDAUrNkJqRm6dJwG8GlpKmgfam8bNxTQeefRzULLDrURA9OUu08jomv6GN0mnqzdRMVHqOuhE_S_3gcI0YbK5/s1600/MjAxMy1iMzU3ZWExMGYyNmMzYTll.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha3VERIEkgpYfYOo6bHE1haPN0QuUSxnCKXPgpeqC0huJleAqmH0xRuDLqDAUrNkJqRm6dJwG8GlpKmgfam8bNxTQeefRzULLDrURA9OUu08jomv6GN0mnqzdRMVHqOuhE_S_3gcI0YbK5/s320/MjAxMy1iMzU3ZWExMGYyNmMzYTll.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess that’s why I was so jazzed about my class reunion
last year – our 35<sup>th</sup>. Of all the friends I had known, these were the
people I had gotten closest to. I was very curious whether I could make friends
again and possibly keep some. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The reunion went very well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and
re-connected with some people. Unfortunately, for some of these folks, my own
posting about religion and Trump have undone some of these connections. To
their credit, most of my classmates are still nominally Catholic, many
seriously so. Catholicism and I parted company some time ago. I do miss the
feeling of belonging to a community, having something in common with people and
the strangely comforting rituals of the Mass. But for many, many reasons, I
simply can’t go back. They have their rules and I respect them but I don’t
think it can ever be again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As for politics, the heartbreaking thing is in another time,
this would not have been an issue. Unfortunately, we only had a small grace
period before the election would tear some of those bounds asunder.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If we can’t find a way to get beyond it, and we probably
can’t, I probably won’t go to the 40<sup>th</sup> reunion. I still have
Facebook friends that I am trying not to lose or push away for various reasons.
I hope they understand that I was always just a little – maladjusted. But I
mean well. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the elementary school classes of 77, whether they be
St. Justin Martyr or St. Mary’s Mentor get together, I feel that tinge of what
might have been. Although I recognize many of them who went on to Lake Catholic
from the Facebook photos, I know that is not my tribe. I had four years with
them – they had 12 and many grew up just streets away from each other, attended
the same sports and social leagues and hung out at each other’s homes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were only four of us from Notre Dame that went to
Lake, absorbed into a freshman class of 375 students – all boys, no girls. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And many of them still have friends and family in
Northeastern Ohio. I’m two hours away in Pittsburgh so I can get up there if I
want, but it’s not the same. I only really interact on Facebook. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Strangely, one of the guys I went to school with at both
Notre Dame and Lake Catholic lives here in Pittsburgh. We used to be thick as
thieves at Notre Dame. He won’t respond to my friend requests yet he is friends
with some of our mutual friends at Lake Catholic. I would be lying if I said it
didn’t hurt just a little.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realize that a set of circumstances led me to where I am
today – some I had control over, some I didn’t. I love Pittsburgh. I love my
wife. But one should have friends outside of their spouse. My wife does – she’s
tight with both her former classmates and all the friends she’s met in her
knitting hobby. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My effort to do the same at work, at the Mustang club, at
the local NAMI branch, at the improv school all have ended in either regret on
my part or simply not being a good fit with others. But I have tried.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s difficult to talk about being lonely when part of the
fault is mine. Most people who know me online don’t know how hard it is for me
to go to work every day and when the day is over, I’m all out of spoons and
find it difficult to leave the house for socialization. In fact, on my days
off, I find I almost always have to work up the nerve to leave the house at
all. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to be someone I’m not to make friends because I’m
always worried that people won’t like the real me. And to those who always say,
‘be yourself’ I can go over my track record where that has lost me enough
people in my life. And besides, this three-page whine has gone on far too long.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It just hurts.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgul8m_qhN9W0JnNh4gg1xVqDF8QGaocP3nmJEVRQEOabqnVyYRfDm4W-eWXvOW8RCfoOas-WNAaHxlPWADgiCb_XaTVQ-M9Hdria27m4nwC4xDFo0PPT8MM9odPg3RhlKK2AaLMb-Pn1Uf/s1600/quote-on-depression-97-healthyplace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgul8m_qhN9W0JnNh4gg1xVqDF8QGaocP3nmJEVRQEOabqnVyYRfDm4W-eWXvOW8RCfoOas-WNAaHxlPWADgiCb_XaTVQ-M9Hdria27m4nwC4xDFo0PPT8MM9odPg3RhlKK2AaLMb-Pn1Uf/s200/quote-on-depression-97-healthyplace.jpg" width="141" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-83817728516682712982017-03-31T13:33:00.001-04:002017-03-31T13:33:45.343-04:00Requiem: Amy Bleuel<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYwS5d9N8bMbqa1IPAS1l0ak7f9ommD5n4E8lPdIZ-dm6RME54QtRrfjA_21eLErRCbQuMf_GnXNOgajsidHSelAZd1phhApef5zkGC-0WHHzTLjO8FARdi1lNAsEZD5UuOrew7X1aXIDk/s1600/project_semicolon_tattoos_and_drawings_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYwS5d9N8bMbqa1IPAS1l0ak7f9ommD5n4E8lPdIZ-dm6RME54QtRrfjA_21eLErRCbQuMf_GnXNOgajsidHSelAZd1phhApef5zkGC-0WHHzTLjO8FARdi1lNAsEZD5UuOrew7X1aXIDk/s320/project_semicolon_tattoos_and_drawings_2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Amy<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose I should write something about the <a href="https://themighty.com/2017/03/amy-bleuel-founder-of-project-semicolon-dead/" target="_blank">death of Amy Bleuel</a>,
the founder of <a href="https://projectsemicolon.com/" target="_blank">Project Semicolon.</a><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Amy committed suicide.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It saddened me greatly, but did not surprise me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a dirty little secret in the depression/bipolar
community that we don’t talk about because it goes against the eternally happy
you-can-do-it ethos slammed down our throats in America:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
15% mortality rate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That, strictly speaking, is the fatality rate for people
with bipolar disease, not necessarily depression. It is the number of people who will die as a direct
result of their disease either by suicide or some other behavior associated
with the disease that results in death.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some cancers have a lower fatality rate. Yet, we see cancer
as a medical issue to be addressed with great resources. We see mental illness,
as a corporate society, as something to be tolerated within boundaries while
Big Pharma develops one useless drug after another. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The dirty little secret is no one can tell, no one can
predict, no one knows for sure whether the smiling, outgoing, full of life
person you knew on Monday isn’t going to be swinging from a rope on Tuesday.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the scary thing is – the person with the illness
generally doesn’t know it either.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So did Amy, who was a depression sufferer with other
attempted suicides, wake up one day and Klingon-style, declare ‘this is a good
day to die?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps, but we’ll probably never know; and that is the
worst part.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Experts prattle on about ‘suicide prevention’ as if there
was some kind of ethereal naloxone for mentally ill people that can ‘sniff’ out
those predisposed to suicide and offer some kind of fix to get their tortured
brains to see things ‘a different way.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s all bullshit. We exist by the grace of God, if you’re a
believer, by sheer luck and circumstance if you’re not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Amy Bleuel, like every one with this illness, fought it
every day. And every day, like the rest of us, she woke up wondering what hand
her brain was being dealt that day. Or, think of it this way – every day you
get up and roll the dice. One day it comes up snake eyes. Why? No idea. One day
your brain says, that’s all. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s all I can stand. Take the pain away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And no amount of cheery self-help bullshit or bootstrap
mentality is going to have any effect. Sorry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day, all the king’s horses (psych meds) and all the king’s
men (mental health professionals) can’t put your shattered brain back together
again. Self-medication has reached its limits and your brain told you that
finally on this day, you could indeed, fly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We still do what we can in terms of reaching out for help, taking
our meds, battling the demons within. But the one thing no one talks about is
the demons outside – a society and economic system that is unforgiving to those
with these illnesses. Never discount the effect that the world we live in can
deal from the bottom of the deck or load the dice any given morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But since society won’t change and it’s still
winner-take-all, dog-eat-dog (and getting more so), at some point there is an
existential angst that contributes mightily to the brain’s decision to push the
button.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Amy’s whole cause was to get the survivors and the sufferers
to find each other and find strength and support. It was also to use that
semicolon tattoo as a way to try to educate a society on how many of us are out
there fighting in ways you’ll never know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there was something else. Amy was a believer. She
believed in a God of love and mercy and tried her best to express that in
everything she did and said. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Faith for me plays
big around the aspect of love and hope. I have had the opportunity to have
people come into my life and love me with a Christ like love. Through that love
I am empowered to continue my story and spread that same love to others. To
have faith in something bigger than yourself allows you to keep striving for
something more, something bigger.” – Amy Bleuel<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know what to say. There are no guarantees. One day,
for reasons no one else will understand, it will be the day. People search for
reasons but sometimes there are no reasons; there are only reactions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I could give any advice at a time like this it would be
this: understand that no one really wants to die. They just want to feel like
they are needed and wanted, not shunted aside as a societal embarrassment. They
want dignity and respect, not frightened stares and mumbled excuses. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For whatever time people have on this earth, they need a
mission that connects them with what is real, what matters – not the false
values of consumerism, but the interconnectedness of human souls that, working
together, can truly save the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“People want to know
they’re not suffering in silence, you feel alone like no one cares, to know
someone is there, that is what these people go forth with, they take this
energy to better themselves,” Bleuel said. “I think it’s just opening the minds
of society. I would hope through my stories and platforms that they would see
these are everyday people, just like you, and they’re attempting to make their
lives better, but here is what they struggle with.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“I wanted to start a
conversation that can’t be stopped,” she said, “and I believe I’ve done that.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-67397735599058107952017-03-27T07:45:00.000-04:002017-03-27T07:45:05.500-04:00Notes from the Schlub<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9aVu5BR0SjxWZ-DoVAkYtEZsO1wm7PuX-_ydFERMEQcH-o9GqoCtbz5KNt44vNvV2MAoLq14CNYThNyBiZ-0rBRXYhPeRA13oQsyS17VQjSJEA2lKFGG_olckRoU91DDFbtbVN1Q_IM0d/s1600/ltLiterarySchlubMissile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9aVu5BR0SjxWZ-DoVAkYtEZsO1wm7PuX-_ydFERMEQcH-o9GqoCtbz5KNt44vNvV2MAoLq14CNYThNyBiZ-0rBRXYhPeRA13oQsyS17VQjSJEA2lKFGG_olckRoU91DDFbtbVN1Q_IM0d/s320/ltLiterarySchlubMissile.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ah, a book I need</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What do you do when you think your life is somewhat on
borrowed time?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The WaPo reports this morning that Jared Kushner is being
give wide powers to restructure the Federal government with their first sites
set on the VA. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been a worrier all my life but I’m trying not to let
this get to me. I have a job today, I’ll have a job tomorrow and I don’t want
to live my life as if the roof is about to cave in any second. There’s been too
much of that in my time on Earth. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’m also feeling guilty about worrying about me when
there’s so many people around the world worse off. And there are a lot of good
people right here doing their best for our country’s Veterans. They deserve
better too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In any case, war could break out in several places tomorrow
rendering a lot of extraneous worry moot. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’re lucky. We’ve been lucky. Perhaps it’s cosmically just
that the luck, my luck, runs out at some point. But when I look at the horrible
disparagement of income in the country, compared to what it was when I was a
young adult, I feel less justified in guilt. There is plenty of pie to go
around – for everyone. What has happened to many people is nothing less than
economic violence. I’m afraid it’s going to get around to formerly lucky ones
soon. If not, then robots will do our jobs. I’m waiting for the first fully
mechanized McDonalds. I don’t think it’s too far off.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been a little rough on my psych doctor lately. It seems
that the luck of the draw is the day I see her, something bad has happened and
I’m in a downward spiral. She lets me vent, reminding me this is the place for
it, but in fairness, she doesn’t deserve it. No one does really. I guess the
measure of venting effectiveness is if you feel better afterwards. I don’t; I
feel guilty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is something to be said for being electively bald. I
recently had my head shaved as part of a fundraiser for St. Baldrick’s
Foundation which helps children with cancer. The shaving party was at a local
bar and I had an uncharacteristically fun time. But I also wanted to see what
my large noggin would look like without hair, plus a beard that I was
re-growing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew the beard would come in mostly grey and I was
prepared for that. I think it looks pretty good, my wife will get used to it
but surprisingly, many of my FB and IRL friends like it too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Two of them have said I look a little ‘BA’ (bad ass). I don’t
think that’s a term that has ever been used to describe me in my life and I’m
not sure how to take it. I hate being ‘lifestyle-ish.’ That is, someone who
tailors themselves to a particular lifestyle (and associated look) whether it
comes naturally to them or not. I’ve always been ‘me,’ which is to say,
something of a schlub (and yes, I know my Yiddish). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not saying I’ve never exhibited streaks of talent and
lucidity but always within the framework of schlubbiness. I’m not sure I could
pull off a new persona for even a week. <o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-60124947541082867952017-03-12T16:02:00.000-04:002017-03-12T16:02:54.626-04:00Spoon issues<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYuGE-zW1gEmciHD85l7khuIWdvga0_lin584fvL8YDt7EJCYSkwBKpZ6ZAtVVU38LxTGHv3BWf9TWOEzOMvr190o_OPA9Gi0mEuyOArxQVsRpgYwLb-jaVbdG4CLl7z6zIXNWpjoXspV/s1600/df472dd565746e46a22f5fa7bd239af6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmYuGE-zW1gEmciHD85l7khuIWdvga0_lin584fvL8YDt7EJCYSkwBKpZ6ZAtVVU38LxTGHv3BWf9TWOEzOMvr190o_OPA9Gi0mEuyOArxQVsRpgYwLb-jaVbdG4CLl7z6zIXNWpjoXspV/s320/df472dd565746e46a22f5fa7bd239af6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spoon theory, for the uninitiated, is a way for people with
a host of behavioral issues to explain how they deal with stress.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are given a certain amount of spoons every day from the
great spoon-giver. Each spoon represents the amount of social interaction or
physical activity a person can expend before the need for what we’ll call
regeneration.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regeneration usually, for most of us, means spending time
alone with our thoughts to process the situation and regain emotional strength
to go out into the world and interact again. Those of us who live with social
anxiety use spoon theory as a simple way to explain what we go through but we
don’t really expect people to understand it. At least I don’t. It’s impossible
to empathize unless you can feel it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, I have problems on weekends recovering from work.
It’s really starting to piss me off, perhaps more so now that it’s so obvious.
When things were bad, weekends melted together with workdays since the level of
stress and hyper-vigilance was constant. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although the ‘bad times’ I experienced are receding into the
past, the emotional scars remain. I feel them every time I drive onto the
property at work. The subdued, yet ever-present feeling that I am always one
word away from having the moon and stars fall on me again is always there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the overt threat of losing my job or being shot by the
police in a botched ‘health and safety check’ is gone and now weekends should
be a time for me to ‘do’ and enjoy more than sit and worry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet, Saturday morning arrives and I make it to the couch
and find I have a monumental task trying to raise myself back up again and get
on with the day. Other than the bed, the couch is my ‘safe place.’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yesterday I went to the cast dinner for the performance of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Listen to Your Mother</i>, an event I have
been very much looking forward to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But yesterday morning I felt entirely empty of strength and
filled with worries. It took everything I had to get ready for this happy
event. The cast had lunch at Lidia’s and read our written stories to each
other. My worries included how I, as the only man in a 12-person cast would be
received, and the usual fears about driving downtown exacerbated by the St.
Patrick’s Day parade being held at the same time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As usual, my fears were groundless. Listening to everyone’s
stories was literally a transcendent experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being around such creative and intelligent
people was like breathing pure oxygen for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet, when I got home, in no time flat, the feeling of
excitement and stimulation drained quickly and I was back on the couch, dog
tired, wired and fried.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And mad.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so sick of this. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should be over this. But I should have realized long ago
that my conditions, which have waxed and waned my whole life, will be with me
always. Thirty years of meds, shrinks, zen training, ‘lifestyle changes,’
weight loss and exercise have not exorcised this beast. I will carry it to my
grave. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is my shadow. I can, under certain conditions, banish it
for a period of time or land up in hypomania – where I’m in a fun and creative
period making everyone else’s lives miserable. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it always comes back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I vent to my wife but she’s heard it all before and I know
that my moods affect hers. So I try to keep the feels to myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why couldn’t this feeling last just a few hours longer,” I
asked my wife and the universe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why indeed? Would it be so much to ask to at least go to bed
feeling the warm afterglow of an enriching, life-affirming experience? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that’s not the way things work. Every day is a fight,
sometimes easier than the day before, sometimes not. Two days are never the
same and the differences in mood and energy from one day to the next can be so
stark as to be scary.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I must realize that getting angry at the situation or
getting angry at myself for not being able to maintain a steady mood state will
get me nowhere except more frustrated. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somehow, at this late stage of a lifelong struggle, I must
learn to accept the situation with grace, appreciating the good periods as well
as the bad. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Easier said.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-11140406021864850412017-03-06T09:47:00.000-05:002017-03-06T09:50:39.554-05:00Touched by Fire<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKjEOPyARDRnY86cnyXyw-K1p2begUPSXBZA0zHlLDHUoZfBscpXLgSPWExfOKX-fx79QKEzgB40YE4-7PPzl39AVn3VZwoEzvSaV6uwVYYpr1ixncujQlL1ng6lgDVISA06daYDPHchPb/s1600/MV5BMTg1Mjc4MDAxNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTQwMTY2NDE%2540._V1_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKjEOPyARDRnY86cnyXyw-K1p2begUPSXBZA0zHlLDHUoZfBscpXLgSPWExfOKX-fx79QKEzgB40YE4-7PPzl39AVn3VZwoEzvSaV6uwVYYpr1ixncujQlL1ng6lgDVISA06daYDPHchPb/s400/MV5BMTg1Mjc4MDAxNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTQwMTY2NDE%2540._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Carla (Katie Holmes) and Marco (Luke Kirby), prepare to be taken to their home planet. No, I'm not kidding</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I watched the movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Touched
by Fire’</i> yesterday, by myself, while my wife was out shopping. Well, about
2/3rds of it because she came back.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t want here to see my reactions to the film. And, to
be honest, I wanted to watch it alone, just in case there were any reactions.
And there were. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This requires an explanation which I’ve tried to give my
wife in my own recently disjointed style of explaining myself. There are
activities at home which, while they may seem innocuous to the outside
observer, would make me feel self-conscious if anyone saw them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Often, I wander from room to room, stopping to examine
things, especially in the basement where I pull out old artifacts of a previous
life or stare at fading photographs of a family long gone. I realize so much of
this is self-torture, yet I’m drawn to it anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll talk to myself – long rambling soliloquies that either
try to explain my actions to myself for the 119<sup>th</sup> time or a string
of things I need to remember or comments on current events. I can only do this
alone for reasons that, for anyone similarly afflicted, are all too obvious.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many times, I’m buried in the Internet (interesting choice
of words) doing what I usually do: finding the information that reinforces my
cynical and negative view of humankind. I guess if human society is stark
raving mad, I must not be so bad. Current events are reinforcing this view at a
prodigious rate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, we come to the movie. Briefly, it’s about two young
people, probably in their mid-20s, both afflicted by bipolar, both having trouble
staying on their meds. They annoy their families, are given to delusional, grandiose
thinking and land up meeting each other in a mental hospital where their manias
merge like two flaming suns and lead then down the rocket slide to near total
insanity.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are both rescued, a few times, a return to the mental
hospital where they are put back on medication. Although the staff tries to
keep them apart for their own good, they find each other again, a pregnancy
results with all its usual complications and . . . well, I won’t ruin the
ending. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The important thing to me was how much I saw of myself in
the characters. Now in middle age where the body (and the medications) start to
regulate the amount of mischief the mania mind can accomplish, I had to think
back when I was in my 20s and 30s with more freedom to act on my delusions and
yes, I can see more of myself in their behavior. It just came out in different
ways and circumstances. No two bipolars are alike, after all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the movie couple are bipolar1 and I am a twosie which
means my whipsaws between depression and mania are not so sharp. Also, not
being on your meds makes both the ones and twos equally capable of fucking up
their own and others’ lives. Us twosies tend to fall much more on the
depressive side of the scale but in some of us, although our manias are less
bombastic, they can last longer and, in some cases, do more long term damage to
our lives and others around us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What happens to Marco is what many guys with bipolar
disorder struggle with. He finds that on his meds when he attempts to have sex
with Carla he feels nothing and can’t get into it at all. The mind is willing,
to a certain degree, but there seems to be a governor on the body’s and mind’s
ability to carry out the act. This is MAJOR issues with men on medications for
bipolar. The other problem is that the meds, while keeping your behavior and
thoughts within a socially acceptable range, also tend to crush the creativity
and heightened enjoyment of life most people in mania experience.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At one point in the movie, Carla assures him, based on what
their psychiatrists say, that he will gradually be able to experience the full
range of motions (not always true). Marco replies he doesn’t want the full
range of motions – he wants mania. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whether you’re a onsie or twosie, great things can be
accomplished on mania. Much of it is artistic – writing, painting, dance, etc.
Much of it is activity based – a sudden compulsion that the whole house is now
out of style and needs a complete makeover – and you do it. I can still remember
gardening at night (yes I know it’s an R.E.M. song). Personal relationships are
at risk – everyone else suddenly seems more attractive and interesting than
your partner and you want to feel the rush of what it’s like to start a new
relationship – no matter who gets hurt, because you’re not thinking of that.
Sometimes you just want to get away – to travel and grab as many experiences
you can while family members are left baffled by this sudden compulsion to take
an instant vacation – alone. And then there are the other compulsions toward
great creation and schemes. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mania gave me the incredible (to me now) ability to build
a bookstore out of nothing including all the planning and design. My ex-wife
wandered into my store for the first time and her jaw dropped. “You actually
made it happen,” she said amazed. “You actually did it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So it cost me a marriage. But what an accomplishment!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At some point when the maniacal haze burns itself out or
when the meds start working, the bipolar person has a crushing realization, a
kind of ‘what in God, possessed me to DO that?’ The refrain is similar: it
seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. Many times, in this phase which is
often accompanied by depression and severe regret, we want to apologize to all
the people whose lives we’ve upended or hurt. And apologize over and over
again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But after the mania burns out and time passes and we’re good
little boys and girls and take our meds, there comes a longing for the energy
and excitement of that time. Things get hum-drum and boring playing at life
using the normal rules. We miss a time when things were fresh, new and
exciting. We don’t forget the wreckage we left behind but we’d just like to
feel what we felt when we were able to accomplish something so grand and
glorious. Because now we can’t.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because now we’re accomplishing holding down a job, taking
care of our living spaces and significant others and marching slowly and
safely through a life that no longer inspires us. And death awaits. For many
men, it’s the long, slow, middle aged march to the grave where, instead of
firing up grand, exciting ideas in your mind, you spend more time checking your
bank accounts and what’s in your retirement savings. Hardly seems like living. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You make and lose a lot of friends along the way until you’re
left either partially or totally alone. I miss the parties of my youth but I
can tick off the last five times recently I tried to become part of a group in
some way and landed up either alienating or being alienated from them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And we begin to think that for our own good, perhaps we
should just stay at home when we can, inside our homes with our significant
others and limit human action to Facebook, where we run in to trouble anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Notice how many times I have switched between ‘I’ and ‘we’
in this piece? Draw your own conclusions. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would I recommend <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Fire
of the Mind?</i>’ Yes, even though the writing falls into sentimental claptrap,
stock parental characters give stock parental lines and some of the acting and
writing could have used a bit more of a realistic makeover. It’s enough, as
usual, to make any afflicted person steer away from being honest about their
condition to anyone, especially to mental health professionals.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m cautious that the film will not dispel but reinforce
stereotypes about bipolar people and people with other mental illnesses in
general. Is it worth the attempt? After all, ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rainman’</i> did so well to raise the awareness of autism, didn’t it?
Well, if you want an honest answer to that question, ask anyone on the autism
scale who has seen the movie. And so it is the same here too.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose we could make the distinction between bipolar
people who are relatively easy to spot and the vast majority of those who sit
quietly next to you on the bus or plane, who write the articles you read, make
the food you eat, create the art in galleries you marvel at, etc. And you’d
never really know. How about the person at the business meeting who has an idea
and his/her enthusiasm is so infectious, that everyone in the room is fired up
by the idea (which may or not be feasible since the long-term prospects may not
have been considered) that they jump out of their chairs in support and the
boss says “we need more people like him/her around here!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah, they could be. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because life and relationships are long, we reveal ourselves
in some way eventually. Either peers don’t recognize this sudden change of
energy and idealism or regard it as symptomatic of some other factor or mental
illness. Many times, I’m sure, people think the bipolar person has discovered
some new kind of recreational drug when they truth is, they’ve actually stopped
taking a drug.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The author David Foster Wallace, whose affliction and
brilliance is reflected in his writing, was similarly tortured with what most
professionals diagnosed as depression which began as a child and which he
referred to as ‘the bad thing.’ He was able to create brilliant work while making
his way, somewhat awkwardly, through the world of normals. He worried however,
as the pressure grew from those in publishing and his fans to continue to
produce even better writing, that the meds were inhibiting his creativity. In
fact, I suspect ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Infinite Jest’</i> was
probably written off his meds.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, Wallace stopped taking his Nardil which led to
severe behavior issues. At this point, both Wallace and his shrinks flailed
around for something else that would work – anything that would work. In
desperation, Wallace went back on Nardil but it no longer worked for him. As we
say in the world of psychotropic meds, once a med craps out on you, it craps
out forever.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Long story short, Wallace tragically hung himself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But when you take an honest look at Wallace’s behavior
throughout his life, I think a strong case can be made that he was also on the
bipolar scale. My early diagnosis of depression or major depressive disorder, masked
the bipolar that was hiding behind the depression. Remember, your
psychiatrist/psychologist only sees you for one hour bits of time where you
could be anywhere on the scale. They don’t live with you, go to work with you,
see your personal interactions. They know what you tell them, true or false (or
somewhere in the middle) for the slim hour a week they see you. They really don’t
know you. Sometimes no one really does. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, we’re left with a confusing mix of people with bipolar,
ones and twos, with varying symptoms that wax and wane due to many different
reasons. And movies can never really display a compendium of the average
bipolar person. Movies must be entertaining and broad to be profitable. We get
that. So, it’s a double-edged sword of hoping for awareness while fearing
further stigma.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, rounding out this terribly long post, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Touched by Fire’</i> did deliver a few
serious gut punches to me. I could predict some of the action. I could see
myself in some of the situations or dialogue. And if you’re wondering, yes, sex
between two people in high mania could move mountains. . . before destroying
them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, with all of those caveats, it’s worth seeing. If nothing
else, I could identify with some of it which made me feel a little more
comfortable with myself while still mourning what was and what will never be
again – and for good reason. The ending imparts that lesson.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-39607889305973799452017-02-21T15:17:00.000-05:002017-02-21T15:28:03.865-05:00I'm no one specialSo I have been chosen by the stage show "Listen to Your Mother" (LTYM) to recite my story on how my mother broke dishes at Christmas to express her frustration. It's typical of the kind of sweetness and misery stories this blog is made of. After about half a dozen entries, it becomes clear if you've come for Lake Wobegon, you're in the wrong territory.<br />
<br />
I thought I did well at the audition but I've thought that before in other auditions and didn't get a part. Now I'm presented with an unexpected opportunity to read before an audience.<br />
<br />
As part of the LTYM bonding experience, quite a bit of personal information is being shared among the 12 women and myself (yep) on their social media page and later on other parts of the Internet.<br />
<br />
From what I have read so far, my showmates all seem to be high
achievers with beautiful kids, jobs, husbands, etc. I know everyone
wants to put the best goods in the shop window, so to speak, but I have a
hard time doing that. And I feel intimidated that I need to do that.<br />
<br />
If
one peruses this blog, you get a look at me warts and all. I'm my own
worst press agent and, as an ex-wife often castigated me, I reveal too
much of myself publicly and land up getting in trouble. Other people do it and get book contracts.<span data-dobid="hdw">C'est la vie</span>.<br />
<br />
Normally, I don't have any problem sharing my life stories on the Internet. If I did, this blog would not exist. However, this is different. I haven't much left in the shop window.<br />
<br />
So I have to tell it like it is because that is all I can do.<br />
<br />
I have bipolar 2 disorder which was diagnosed, provisionally, a few years ago. My shrink is not completely sure how to classify it because she finds me difficult to classify in general. I find myself difficult to classify ('I'm a this, I'm a that, "I love to cuddle with my cat') the way most people do. I most certainly have general anxiety disorder and I know I've had it all my life. So if I avoid you, don't take it personally. I've been know to avoid mailboxes because I've seen those old 'Candid Camera' shows (where the mailbox talks. . .remember? God, I'm old).<br />
<br />
To get the usual status seeking stuff out of the way - I earned (!) a b.a. in mass media communications from The Cleveland State University (fanfare) and minored in history, political science and sleeping in the library.<br />
<br />
I used to be a sports reporter, news reporter, court reporter, radio reporter, radio talk show host, collegiate sports information representative, etc. But that's all over now. I work as a public relations specialist for the Department of Veterans Affairs. If they'd pay me the same money to sweep streets, I'd jump at the opportunity.<br />
<br />
We all can't be 'up people,' and I am one of those who balances out the ratio of type A to 'I don't give a shit' people on the planet.<br />
<br />
<br />
But I'm lying of course. I do give a shit. And that causes me great joy and great pain.<br />
<br />
I've been married three times. I have two grown sons, one on the autism scale. My oldest son has an ordinary computer job for the state of Ohio and is unmarried and seems to have inherited some of my more antisocial traits. My youngest son generally tells me what he wants me to buy him on Amazon. He lives with ex1. Ex2 and I don't speak.<br />
<br />
I had hobbies. I used to read voraciously. I liked to travel. I used to run and work out. I took an improv class at the Arcade Comedy Theater but didn't jell with the powers that be (the story of my life). Ironically, I was once a psychological operations specialist in the Army. <br />
<br />
This blog has been my attempt to strike a balance between writing a mental health memoir and advocating for more mental health outlets for middle aged men. Readers will note that I have observed repeatedly that the vast majority of mental health blogs, websites, organizations, etc., all seem to have targeted the money demo (18-34 years, mostly women, mainly because they talk about their issues more). By the time you are 45 (or earlier) you have disappeared from the mental health community.<br />
<br />
By my age (54), most men with mental issues are either dead, in jail, in the bottle, or in seclusion. Some are still trying therapy. Bless 'em all.<br />
<br />
Writing, at this point, is all I have left. It is both painful and necessary for me to do. I would like to have the audience I had as a newspaper columnist or a radio talker but this will have to do. I'm not sure what I have to say would garner much of a marketable audience anyway.<br />
<br />
<br />
Despite the tone of this post, I still manage to get up everyday, go to a job I hate, and do what I have to do. I take pride in the appearance of my house and property. I still find joy in the little things, the absurdity of modern life and the fascination that my wife puts up with me.<br />
<br />
If it helps explain things, I grew up in Cleveland and was a rabid Browns fan. That alone is enough to drive anyone to despair. Now I dip myself into the refreshing waters of black and gold and look forward to football season -- just not as much as I used to.<br />
<br />
Once you get to know me, I'm funnier in person.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-27500069661688116612017-02-06T15:14:00.001-05:002017-02-06T15:14:29.866-05:00Ruinations on Bipolar and Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's taken me the better part of my life to realize that I have always carried this disease of the brain and I shall take it to my grave.<br />
<br />
It has been the catalyst of a series of up and down mood swings which have largely determined the trajectory of my life. How much control did I really have? How much control does an alcoholic have? A drug addict? There were times I felt I was totally in control. Those were the most dangerous and destructive times of my life.<br />
<br />
So sometimes I think that when I am feeling my most down I am the safest. I am aware totally of what is happening to me and even though the feelings suck, to put it mildly, I am well aware of my capability and liabilities under this conditions.<br />
<br />
When I have been at my most confident is when I have taken leave of my senses - sometimes partially and sometimes almost totally.<br />
<br />
Of course as years go by and my memory becomes like a sharp knife poking at my conscience, I look back and wonder how I could have made such destructive and hurtful decisions. The terrifying thing is that it all seemed like a good and exciting idea - at the time.<br />
<br />
Bipolar people are good at apologizing. One might say that when we come to our senses, we are the masters of drawn, out, maudlin, emotional apologies. This is not to say they are not genuine - they are for we are not psychopaths. It's just when we are moved to apologize for past acts we're in a state of 'thoughtful depression' and more succeptible to grand, moving spectacles of 'I'm sorry.'<br />
<br />
After awhile, the apologies pile up over the years and our memories torture us with the things that might have been had we, somehow, been able to seize upon some kind of will and behave with rationality, empathy and compassion. We tend to leave a lot of broken and dazed victims in our wake, especially those we love.<br />
<br />
I don't have the answer. This blog for instance, is one I cannot write continuously. I write, not only when I feel the need to, but when I mentally and physically can. You can talk about spoon theory but there are other things at play. The brain fog, the apathy, the belief that no one gives a damn about what you have to write and whether the medications are working better than usual.<br />
<br />
Writing, work, family relations, sociability - it's all the same. Sometimes our interactions operate smoothly, like a well-maintained car. Sometimes we can get by with the engine sputtering. Other times, it's crash and burn. We try to anticipate, read our own bodies and minds and take medications when we feel we need them. It is the ultimate inexact science.<br />
<br />
I think the older one gets, the danger is that one becomes battle weary. I know I fight that every day. It gets harder to cherish the good days because they seem futile. We know the bad days will at least even them out. It's just a matter of time. It's like being being in a nice prison with plenty of food, recreation and creature comforts. Just every so often, for no reason at all, you get thrown into solitary confinement. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week.<br />
<br />
I often wondered how I would do in solitary confinement. I have the ability to stare at a wall for hours and live in my head. Hopefully, I'll never find out.<br />
<br />
This essay was inspired by a meme I saw on twitter this morning. It read "describing your mental illness is like trying to describe color to a blind person."<br />
<br />
I though about that for a little while. I have tried every way I can from when I was a child to a young adult to now to provide an explanation that would make sense to the normals. The best thing I can come up with is this: other people are competing for space in my brain.<br />
<br />
I sit in my living room, the cat is cozied up to me and late afternoon light is streaming through the front window. The only sound, other than my typing, is the tick tock of the cuckoo clock - the one that was a wedding present in 1984 from a long lost sister-in-law. She had good taste. It's a nice clock.<br />
<br />
But I become very aware of the silence otherwise and my need to say something, regardless of how mundane or ponderous my prose might be. I feel that I can't say much anymore. I am marked at work and can no longer try to seek understanding. I still find it incredible that I must have apologized a couple of hundred times for what I said but my employer could not bring themselves to apologize even once for what I was put through. Not even for almost getting shot in front of my wife.<br />
<br />
As John Wayne said - it's a sign of weakness. And weakness is not tolerated unless you have rank and status. So it is with my employer. But I will write anyway. If they lay claim to my words, I will burn them. They have already laid claim to my behavior and my livelihood - they will not have my words. Never again.<br />
<br />
No one realizes how incredibly difficult it is for someone with my condition to function in a system where they are not respected. Every day I feel like I am being treated with kid gloves no matter how professional my work and behavior may be. Zero tolerance, zero humanity.<br />
<br />
I guess that is why I sit here and listen to the clock tick and wonder what it all was for. It has been a ride to be sure. I wish I had not left so much wreckage in my wake. Wherever death takes me, I am sure that will be levied on the debit side of my account. I want it not to be over just yet. Even though everything seems to be winding down slowly, I would like just a few more adventures; a few more grand things to look forward to before the brain fog closes in for good.<br />
<br />
I was in the Costco today. For some strange reason, I became sad. The same way I do in the halls of the Home Depot. I remember a going down similar halls on my last great adventure a decade ago - a grand achievement made during my last great manic period - and a great disaster that cost me a marriage.<br />
<br />
Ten years before that, there was another grand manic period that accomplished the same thing - a great return to my career and a shattered marriage.<br />
<br />
But during those times, the senses were heightened and the fire was in my belly. The air smelled different, the sun shone brighter, I had energy, enthusiasm and drive. I could do anything I set my mind to.<br />
<br />
Such great accomplishments aside such great tragedies, such is life, I suppose for people like us.<br />
<br />
I would like not to feel the chain-weights of depression and lethargy; of hopelessness and dysthemia. But the only other option is another flame out. As exciting as might seem, I would rather be this morose medicated mess that the streaking star that leaves eventual regret.<br />
<br />
And the clock ticks and I think - is that all there is now? Why can't I have one last spurt of creativity and energy without the resultant destructiveness? Why does it have to be one or the other?<br />
<br />
I don't know. Such is my and many others lot in life, I guess.<br />
<br />
Does any of this make any sense? Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-16343770036746644092017-01-04T18:02:00.004-05:002017-01-04T18:02:58.550-05:00Funeral for a friend<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIyRQD5LgsqYPOsdF1ax-_lZ7nCx323G4I4cqvZX-2-GjU75uu4K7hX2GTcbZ-ICBpeIMj3TYpIeSkPnF5UeTRaTy_6sYEIhpsNj1MJRmp4LIyDynz833KTmSDYHJ27Freu0VlG0iydGC2/s1600/Frank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIyRQD5LgsqYPOsdF1ax-_lZ7nCx323G4I4cqvZX-2-GjU75uu4K7hX2GTcbZ-ICBpeIMj3TYpIeSkPnF5UeTRaTy_6sYEIhpsNj1MJRmp4LIyDynz833KTmSDYHJ27Freu0VlG0iydGC2/s1600/Frank.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My best friend in high school died over the holiday. He was
my age. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hadn’t spoken to him since May of 2005 and I distinctly
remember the phone call. <br />
<br />
Frank apparently died alone in his apartment in Florida and was found two days later
as a result of a health and welfare check. I hate that he went that way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know what took his life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I met Frank in late August of 1977 when he plunked down in
front of me in homeroom our Freshman year in high school. We were arranged
alphabetically and this is just the way it turned out. We struck up a
friendship that lasted on and off for decades. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To say Frank was something of a free spirit misses the mark
– he was a total goof off with a heart of gold. He had a wonderful habit of
getting into scrapes due to his adventurous spirit. I could tell many, many
stories of the fun we had but I will just recount one for now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back in 1980, the airlines were having fare wars. Frank,
always flush with cash from his father’s Air Force inheritance, decided we
(around the six of us who were close to him) should have dinner some night in
Washington DC.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course we lived in the Cleveland area. Frank put down the
cash and bought the tickets. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, none of us really felt our parents would be up to what
Frank had planned so he did something deliciously sneaky – he had us going to
the airport from school, taking the 5 p.m. flight to Reagan National, landing
at 545, taking a cab to Hogate’s (seafood) on the Potomac (my idea), having a
two hour dinner, then taking a cab back to the airport to catch an 815 p.m.
flight to Cleveland that would get us home by 9 p.m., our parents none the
wiser for the cover story was we went to the movies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I begged off as we grew closer to the date. I just couldn’t
imagine the grief I would catch from my father if I got caught. Knowing my dad,
well, I had enough of his volcanic temper growing up and didn’t want to poke
the bear anymore. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alas, Frank being Frank, he could not keep his secret to
himself. After all, he had scored some major savings on these tickets AND
scheduled the whole thing to wrap up in less than six hours on a weekday. You
had to hand it to him. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As an aside, Frank also had another idea, based on two of
his favorite movies <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘The Gumball Rally’</i>
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Smokey and the Bandit’</i> for a
race from the Cleveland area to Kentucky and back. Calling it ‘The O-K Stogie
Race,’ the gimmick was, once in Kentucky, you had to buy a pack of smokes with
the state’s revenue sticker on them to prove you crossed the Ohio River. Then,
the first person back to Mentor, Ohio with the sticker was the winner.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1zt-exV7P3T2UapVjo4uFWJqtRpK4_0GmHlTTlj1to2KT0S1zyK-yzyCcHyywYnp10rVTzL0g7YH64A5IUApF62pMT6j5Ti3ArfWXTZry6hwLuQBUTmcKjWi1eEPjChE6LQCONp23uUu/s1600/12694819_685418008264533_8793138161503530148_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj1zt-exV7P3T2UapVjo4uFWJqtRpK4_0GmHlTTlj1to2KT0S1zyK-yzyCcHyywYnp10rVTzL0g7YH64A5IUApF62pMT6j5Ti3ArfWXTZry6hwLuQBUTmcKjWi1eEPjChE6LQCONp23uUu/s320/12694819_685418008264533_8793138161503530148_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was quintessential Frank.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on the day of the flight, Frank shows up in school with
the tickets sticking out of his shirt pocket, loudly telling everyone “we’re
going tonight to DC for dinner,” Frank attracted the attention of a few
teachers who didn’t believe he was really doing this and one sorta-priest who
did. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will only refer to this ‘pastoral counselor’ as Mark for
that was his first name. Anyway, Mark alerted the Dean of Discipline (the former
football coach and a really nice guy) and Frank was called down to his office
where he was relieved of his tickets because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in loco parentis</i> and all that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I mean, there were a few things Frank hadn’t considered:
what if the plane was delayed for some reason? We’d need another cover story.
What if we were delayed overnight? What if, God forbid, the plane went down and
our parents had to learn about our fate from the local TV news crews? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stuff like that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well Frank came back from the Dean’s office to a class we
shared and looking at his face I knew right away what happened. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Father Mark and Mr. Ward took my tickets away,” Frank
sulked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well even though I was no longer on the flying itinerary, I
couldn’t stand to see Frank this way so I did so. . .so. . . um, I did
something in retrospect I’m not proud of but at the time seemed like great fun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I pumped Frank up with indignation. I reminded him that
those tickets were his property and what he did outside of the school on his
own time was his own business. I could see Frank getting worked up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“They had NO legal right to do that,” I told Frank. “Do you
want the card of my mom’s lawyer?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well by the time I was through with him, ‘Fighting Frank’
stormed back in the Dean’s office </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
demanding the return of his property. All
that resulted was a shouting match, Frank not getting his tickets, and a
possible detention, I really don’t remember.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lest you think this shattered Frank, it didn’t. He would
proudly re-tell of the shouting match for years afterwards. All I did was put a
little starch in his shorts. It wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last
because, well, if you can’t play asshole with your friends sometimes, what’s
the point?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t really the Dean that was this issue here. It was
the smarminess of ‘Father Mark’ that galled us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mark wasn’t quite through with us yet, but it wouldn’t go
the way he wanted. First, Frank’s mom, after having her usual fuss and feathers
explosion, quickly forgave her son with no apparent punishment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then the next week at the football game, I played my card.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before the game, I went up to Father Mark and remonstrated
with him about what a low thing he did by ruining our fun and taking Frank’s
plane tickets. Mark sneered.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know, you’re name was on one of those tickets,” Mark
said. “What if I were to tell your father about this?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“OK father, he’s right up there six rows from the top on the
corner in the brown coat; can’t miss him,” I said. And walked away knowing a
delicious feeling of triumph I would rarely experience in life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See, when I finally told dad about the abortive dinner
flight, he simply said “sounds like fun; I would have let you go.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember feeling light-headed and wondering if this was
some kind of Twilight Zone family. Seriously, you could have knocked me over
with a feather (and I’m pretty fat). Had I known this, I would have been the
one to take Frank’s tickets for safeguarding until the end of the day.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The whole idea was pure Frank and he had a million of them.
We were young and full of ourselves and looking for adventure where we could
find it. I remember those days and the things we dared to do that we wouldn’t
now and I think we’re poorer for it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But Frank was the pied piper of the adventure and scheme. I
know my high school experience would have been far, far duller without him as a
friend.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the end I lost him when he had to choose between his
firefighter friends and me over some stupid shit having to do with hard
feelings over a fantasy football club. Frank tried to make peace between me and
them but couldn’t do it. After that last phone call, we never spoke again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A big part of the reason was my stubbornness and
self-justification that I was right and had a right to be aggrieved. And then,
11 years later and thanks to Facebook, we had a chance to reconnect. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We almost did, but we didn’t. I tried to friend him on
Facebook but he never accepted and I didn’t really push it, thinking he was
still between the rock and the hard place I had put him in a decade before. I
had hoped he would come to the class reunion. He didn’t. I had no idea that my window
for reconciliation was going to be so short.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, of course, I feel like an asshole, as usual. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Frank’s family is planning a memorial service up in Ohio in
the coming days. Many if not all of the people involved in the fantasy football
group that I used to so enjoy being a part of will be there. And I think they
still despise me, so I don’t know what to do. I don’t do well in public
gatherings and old animosities don’t help.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I want to say goodbye to my friend somehow. We went
through too much for me not to pay respects. I know it sounds hokey, but a part
of my past and a part of me died too. In the weeks since Frank’s death I keep
remembering all the shit we would get into and all the fun we would have. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was the best man at my second wedding.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wherever you are Frank, I hope you can forgive me. If it
takes all the Ativan in my storehouse to make it through, I will be at your
service. But I want to know where you’re buried because I want to make it more
personal than a memorial service. Whether you’re remains are in Ohio or
Florida, I need some time there to say a prayer for you, just the two of us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s the least I can do.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-17141505754525599332016-12-26T10:01:00.000-05:002016-12-26T10:39:30.886-05:00Reflections on the day after Christmas<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirlo_QBq4A1BhAz7NNND1mmDEGJfsPNCrw2Qz0YcyI4kszlcC1eVXvCcL4AusV374J7PJ9dukRSf0uogD-0imDhP4TeI-ydMuUa2NSQyKHMPDKflfOFdXpC2ndE-LWr9HcUmv5qHE34SaF/s1600/boxing_day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirlo_QBq4A1BhAz7NNND1mmDEGJfsPNCrw2Qz0YcyI4kszlcC1eVXvCcL4AusV374J7PJ9dukRSf0uogD-0imDhP4TeI-ydMuUa2NSQyKHMPDKflfOFdXpC2ndE-LWr9HcUmv5qHE34SaF/s320/boxing_day.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a thing in the US. But it could be. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About half of everyone I know gets some kind of sickness or
injury around the holidays. My wife has the eternal cough and I am fighting
what may be some insidious form of bronchitis. It’s the kind when just when you
think it’s gone it returns like a Trump tweet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We had a nice Christmas in that is was without issues. I
guess it was kind of an introvert’s Christmas. We went up to the ex’s and saw
the kids, exchanged gifts and headed home – 8 hours max outside the house. But
my wife’s cough was an issue and I didn’t want her too far between breathing
treatments. And then I started up with the wheezing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I make strange noises when I wheeze. I woke up with it
today. It’s like there’s a little mouse inside of me tweeting. It’s almost funny.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t go to the doctor. I was there earlier in the week
and while they were very nice (gave me tea) I’m not going to waste any more
time or money to be told things I already know. My lungs were clean then; they
are not now. Hot showers are the best treatment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to Christmas. It’s always mournful to remember the festivities
of my youth and when my kids were little. My wife and I, I must reiterate had a
very pleasant time together. All was calm, all was bright. We had a nice ham.
It was probably for the best that neither of us has big extended families to
deal with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I read a number of Internet message boards both Facebook and
others. A lot of angst and marital strife is engendered when couples fight on
how to parcel their time between each other’s families. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This really gets
serious. I don’t have to worry about that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Something’s missing. Even my wife messages her cousins
remembering how making the ham and such reminds her of Christmas was a long-deceased
Aunt. I remember the way our family home was decorated. We have no tree now
because we have a cat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I put up lights the first two years we lived here but not
the last two years. I just don’t feel like it and I have nary the energy
anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have an 18-inch pink tree on top of a bookcase. Other
than that, you’d never know that it was Christmas in this house. We enjoy other
neighbor’s light displays. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Again, we had a VERY pleasant Christmas together. I don’t
want to give anyone the wrong impression. We enjoy each other’s company more
than anyone else’s. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I’ve made this observation before but I must again
for this is my blog and a peek into the lives those of us lead with various
mental conditions, mild or otherwise. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have four relations left that I am aware are still alive.
Due to various family disagreements, none of us are speaking to each other and
no one make any effort to do so, me included. One thing I have yet to learn,
but am working on, is that some doors, in fact, most doors, are probably best
left shut.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You open those doors at your peril. Life is not a Hallmark
movie. Instead of forgiveness and warm feelings, more often than not, all the
anger and bitter resentment you’ve tried to forget gets dredged up again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of
the remaining relations, two are cousins on my mother’s side who are still
nursing grudges having to do with old family spats between our mothers. One
re-connected with me and then broke it off relatively quickly when I failed to
be Christian enough for her. One I cut off for the sake of my own mental
health. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone else is dead or long dispersed and lost to history.
One I suspect who is still alive, would rather remain alone in his eternal
grief. I feel great sorrow for him but I respect his right to live in his own
world. When he dies, I’ll probably not know. Those two cousins on my mother’s
side? When their father (my uncle) died, they didn’t even bother letting me
know. I found out months later googling his name and finding his obituary. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Facebook is not a drug
for many people. It allows one to look into the lives of others and, for the
most part, measure your life against theirs. We all try (well, except me, but I’m
crazy) to put our best face on the book (see what I did there?). But everyone’s
different and the luck of the draw can be very destructive to some people and
their families through little fault of their own. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These are the people who should stop looking at Facebook and
the Internet in general at the holidays. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I can’t. I like that people are happy with their
extended families this time of year. Their pictures bring a smile to my face. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But also, they bring a twinge to my heart. I try to pin it
down what exactly I’m missing and what I come up is the feeling of
togetherness, of belonging. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even those Christmas Eves when there was family intrigue
going on that as a child I was unaware of, I had the feeling of being part of
an extended family where all the kids were accepted as God’s gift to everyone.
We were doted on, we were spoiled to an extent but more than that, we were
home. Whichever relative’s house we were in, we were at home. It was a
wonderful feeling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose that’s why I don’t leave my home much anymore.
This is it – I feel at home here. It’s like the last outpost. My wife and I are
here in a home we love. Since moving in, in the last three years, we have
entertained guests exactly twice and one was my wife’s work friends. It’s not
that we don’t want to – we just don’t have anyone around here that lives close
enough and are friendly enough with.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So we have this house, with a basement for entertaining, one
that I once decked out for Christmas with authentic 1950s aluminum tree that
would be perfect for the kind of holiday family get togethers I used to know
and. . . we have each other. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems like a shame. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wonder if the excitement of throwing a party, which I used
to know, would gain me the energy to do it – to clean and ready the house for
guests; to have a big party and a wonderful time. I used to. I was quite a
party thrower. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Surrounded by all the memorabilia of my past in the
basement, I do feel like I am entertaining the ghosts of my past. It’s probably
why, for all my pride in creating this space, I spend so little time down there
alone. After a while, it’s discomforting. I could pour myself a nice drink and
stare at pictures of my dead parents, my high school classmates and my original
name tag from McDonalds. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps I fear if I do that too long, I’ll land up in
my own Twilight Zone episode. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so it was Christmas and everything was sedate. No drama,
no worries over getting the right gifts or burning the dinner or whether uncle
so and so would go on a drunken tirade, etc. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my present state of physical and mental health, I am
grateful. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-60638448555214943292016-12-21T13:48:00.000-05:002016-12-21T13:48:16.912-05:00Merry Christmas before the deluge<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know, I know, I should write something.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After all, it’s three days before Christmas so something
profound should be written.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuDzTqHpZLrm2cP1YdPOUnOAnCMZ362zLzmGvLrZCYZW3I70M4rqGpGpbb89GEfd2PhNIg1F9u0sZyaNdXxIZyV3ZdN04PuQh-ozathrEsrMPSurEJZEx7P3Eg-_miqlIExWKrJ80Fi-Tl/s1600/Dickensian+xmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuDzTqHpZLrm2cP1YdPOUnOAnCMZ362zLzmGvLrZCYZW3I70M4rqGpGpbb89GEfd2PhNIg1F9u0sZyaNdXxIZyV3ZdN04PuQh-ozathrEsrMPSurEJZEx7P3Eg-_miqlIExWKrJ80Fi-Tl/s320/Dickensian+xmas.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps something Dickensian to keep with the spirit of the
times as certain people contemplate the return of the work-houses, although the
feeling may be in some quarters on Wall Street that they pay their workers too
much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Keep Christmas in your heart, as it were, but keep your
hands in the till. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a wonderful world this will be; what a wondrous time to
be free.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My wife and I sit in the living room this afternoon, both
dealing with our own illnesses – hers far more severe. She has a 24-hour cough
and fever and, only with the weight of medical opinion, will she be staying
home the rest of the week.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christmas, of course, is not only the time to say I love
you, but the time to come down with some illness you’d never get the rest of
the year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We both look like haggard refugees from the convalescent
home. She will stay home and I will finish out the week at work. Somehow, my five
days off were not filled with restful contemplation of the season but at least
the shopping and wrapping is 90 percent done and we have clean clothes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can measure your age on a continuous line where
Christmas slowly changes from being the most fun time of year to a challenge to
your sanity and pocketbook. Here in middle age, I only have to buy for a few
grown children, my wife and my ex-wife. The other ex-wife gets the satisfaction
of knowing she rid herself of me before I was diagnosed. Merry Christmas, enjoy
the house.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzECEOxi8qzpFettzktf9RpKqW84OrxzyPkzxW1wkH9MwRpXcYYPMZS7iEjeC4jdliE2L0qw_MWrOBpifoHiM3Cv9VoAHzHPcrkxHAoBLegW1rodO2w0pu0ztHSk-jCCDw6jlQLvY2beW/s1600/96681.b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzECEOxi8qzpFettzktf9RpKqW84OrxzyPkzxW1wkH9MwRpXcYYPMZS7iEjeC4jdliE2L0qw_MWrOBpifoHiM3Cv9VoAHzHPcrkxHAoBLegW1rodO2w0pu0ztHSk-jCCDw6jlQLvY2beW/s320/96681.b.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hopefully not that bad</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As we age further, the Christmas holiday becomes, much like
Shakespeare’s seven ages of man, back to people shoving rum balls down our
gullet in our dotage. Older people either become festively drunk or reclusively
bitter. Since I already have liver disease, I can guess where I’ll land on the
scale.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, there are those who will insist that Jesus is the
reason for the season and they mean well until they scream at you for the
temerity of saying ‘happy holidays.’ Perhaps they could start a new campaign
where they get very literal about the whole thing and force people to enthuse ‘Merry
Jesus’s Birthday! Hallelujah! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNtqi9ST3xJs8zRLsgB3X-Z9yXvl5RCdKe_wPySlABNr_TNGE6qLdE8U3181_AbWc2JuV1b9uqy9U2AW9cjCaPyMRwBRQ94Y7UPl5PevgfF1UPYhwac_mwJ4BDdHvL1bmhViReoo1uDjvA/s1600/santatrump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNtqi9ST3xJs8zRLsgB3X-Z9yXvl5RCdKe_wPySlABNr_TNGE6qLdE8U3181_AbWc2JuV1b9uqy9U2AW9cjCaPyMRwBRQ94Y7UPl5PevgfF1UPYhwac_mwJ4BDdHvL1bmhViReoo1uDjvA/s320/santatrump.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, even Bible scholars know that Jesus could not
have been born on Dec. 25 because no sane shepherd would have been out tending
their flock in the Holy Land in late December – it gets cold enough there. And,
of course, the date was chosen to co-opt the Roman celebration of Saturnalia
and you can throw in the Pagan celebration of Yule. The early church, concerned
with converting souls, had to replace the old holidays with something to
celebrate.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet, in America, our Puritan forebears forbid anything
other than a solemn nod to Christmas until well into the 19<sup>th</sup>
century. Then, Thomas Nast invented Santa Claus (as we know him), Sears and JC
Penney found a great excuse to move merch at a traditionally slow time of year,
and we were on our way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the way, most Bible scholars believe, based on Scripture’s
own recording, that Jesus, if you believe in him at all, was probably born in
late April. But being so close to Easter, we couldn’t have that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In any case, this year I am pleased to say there was less
bloodshed and fisticuffs at the malls and Wal-Marts this year and the ‘hot toy’
whatever it is (something that hatches from an egg and has to be fed – good God,
who would want that kind of responsibility?) has not been immortalized in
videotape of young mothers and fathers beating the crap out of store managers
they believe are ‘hiding some in the back.’</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilTkFu66kD67Dt6ad1qMQMdVYtaHAk0O3RGgRO16HebxCfhOfFa30ot2JVEqX8dEJ8NVU4kd716Ltg2RMadF68TGT8n50LbZDqC5uPa5c38HtN4DFI-IqEqHBAPGLtCBP6fQ8YskksIKMG/s1600/Ted-Nugent-Kills-Santa-Claus-Mocks-The-Ferguson-Riots-And-Mike-Brown-Shooting-For-His-Christmas-Greetings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilTkFu66kD67Dt6ad1qMQMdVYtaHAk0O3RGgRO16HebxCfhOfFa30ot2JVEqX8dEJ8NVU4kd716Ltg2RMadF68TGT8n50LbZDqC5uPa5c38HtN4DFI-IqEqHBAPGLtCBP6fQ8YskksIKMG/s320/Ted-Nugent-Kills-Santa-Claus-Mocks-The-Ferguson-Riots-And-Mike-Brown-Shooting-For-His-Christmas-Greetings.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yet, this is the Christmas I’ve always feared: the last
one. No, not necessarily MY last one, although who can tell about these things;
but the last before our country perhaps undergoes a radical transformation that
leaves it looking like a day-after Christmas scene in the aisles at K-Mart by
the end of the year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gather with your families, buy expensive toys for the
kiddies, get really drunk and go to Midnight services (not necessarily in that
order) and THIS year you may REALLY be praying to the baby Jesus that you get
to keep your health care, job and respect for your fellow man intact by this
time next year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of my favorite secular Christmas songs is the
oft-maligned and over played ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Little
Drummer Boy,’</i> which the avoidance thereof has become something of a
mean-spirited game. Released in 1958, my parents had the second or third
reprinting of the album by 20<sup>th</sup> Century Fox records (yes, there was
such a thing) by the time I arrived in time for Christmas 1962. So I grew up
with Harry Simeone and his Chorale.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2kbH8ThggQbP0eM5DnSGTvBkjq9RSi_ELzttXq8Tn00F8jVXSdovpPPhcyTGcstFixyZx-yRaHdftUDwV9crXL8VnSfS1xuqIGL-9HD66Nx355VOg9JMAdFZTvef6p_lRQgv2HOJFIFuY/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2kbH8ThggQbP0eM5DnSGTvBkjq9RSi_ELzttXq8Tn00F8jVXSdovpPPhcyTGcstFixyZx-yRaHdftUDwV9crXL8VnSfS1xuqIGL-9HD66Nx355VOg9JMAdFZTvef6p_lRQgv2HOJFIFuY/s1600/index.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the one we had</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many cover versions of the song have been recorded from the
tender rendition of Bing Crosby and David Bowie to the more impassioned version
of Bob Segar. This year I seem to hear the traditional version of the song,
lilting and graceful, but punctuated by louder and louder drums in almost a
martial cadence, as if something unknown is approaching, marching in unison,
with a purpose that belies the lyrics’</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTC8gOVK2Jm1ozC4CjQw0x-5oQy9yOjzvCq9K_Z_0mdrK-Js8BtKcct4ohMtA9eycXj82d6px3crxKKszpypMAWqo7gsOoGebfcuGtOPguUytobhnnCLfAkHzd2TIdechfxHl0gOa5dTqA/s1600/XD169240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTC8gOVK2Jm1ozC4CjQw0x-5oQy9yOjzvCq9K_Z_0mdrK-Js8BtKcct4ohMtA9eycXj82d6px3crxKKszpypMAWqo7gsOoGebfcuGtOPguUytobhnnCLfAkHzd2TIdechfxHl0gOa5dTqA/s320/XD169240.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And with that, Godwin's Law strikes</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Peace on Earth, goodwill toward mankind. Yet, it seems more like
Weird Al’s ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Christmas at Ground Zero.’ </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What has happened in Berlin reminds us how far we've grown distant to goodwill.</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On January 20, everything changes. How much, how soon and
how severe one can only guess. But we have this one last holiday season whether
you’d like Christmas, Hanukah or Yule (or Festivus) before the change.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Put aside your worries for a few days. Try to make this
season memorable because, in the end, it may be the memories of Christmas past
that will keep our psyches warm in coming times. Heck, even give your alt-right
uncle a drink. Pour one for yourself – you’ll both need one eventually.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMY19rtLKUkmCwrJDGJCjag83LbwCZQ43pHW89ygLrgxrFMV-S2nJ4RGJ-XxSghLpppG33YOpkfAh7__nzC2TUjShlzN67KGGEZkSloA-Iih-0sWNfmcBGVwIcwDPFaD_slZrQcsf0DH9/s1600/186287_1280x720.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcMY19rtLKUkmCwrJDGJCjag83LbwCZQ43pHW89ygLrgxrFMV-S2nJ4RGJ-XxSghLpppG33YOpkfAh7__nzC2TUjShlzN67KGGEZkSloA-Iih-0sWNfmcBGVwIcwDPFaD_slZrQcsf0DH9/s320/186287_1280x720.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The game is to drink until you can't see the red stripes</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More than this I cannot say. The year 2016 took from us a
whole host of luminaries including the aforementioned <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mr. Bowie. In addition, Greg Lake of Emerson,
Lake and Palmer died as well, leaving us with, perhaps, the most perplexing
secular Christmas song of all time – tinsel and fire mixed with an almost
unbearable disillusionment. Such is life. I leave you with his lyrics.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I wish you a hopeful Christmas<br />
I wish you a brave new year<br />
All anguish pain and sadness<br />
Leave your heart and let your road be clear<br />
They said there'll be snow at Christmas<br />
They said there'll be peace on earth<br />
Hallelujah noel be it heaven or hell<br />
The Christmas we get we deserve</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-79510019756396522902016-12-14T19:54:00.000-05:002016-12-15T05:27:41.137-05:00Dad, you ever hear of The Tubes?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
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I always prided myself on thinking on my feet. In my family,
it was a survival skill and often the result of the mercurial nature of my
other three family members. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a fine summer afternoon back in 1976 I was 13. Dad
was firing up the grill in the backyard and turned on the radio for some summer
tunes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unfortunately, my sister had tuned the radio to WMMS which
other than being a Cleveland legend, earned it’s chops by playing music other
stations wouldn’t play. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was up in my bedroom reading some random history of the
Second World War when I heard the music start – it sounded like some kind of
gothic biker anthem from the 50s. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oooo baby,<br />
Move closer to me<br />
I've had all that I can stand<br />
Take hold of me with your hands</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ahhhhhhh, shit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My dad compounded the frightening embarrassment I was
feeling by striking a pose with his arms spread wide pretending like he was
singing to my mother – who was looking out the kitchen window at him, no doubt
smiling. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dad obviously thought this was a forgotten oldie from his
time with the greasers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh baby,<br />
You give me the chills<br />
Whisper low in my ear<br />
Let knows how it feels <br />
just to know you are near</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Aw, FUCK! I knew I had to get down there and distract both
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We probably wouldn’t be allowed to listen to the radio for
the rest of the summer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I flew down the steps, my fevered brain putting together a
plan. I raced past mom, out the side door and must have looked like Secretariat
rounding the home stretch at Belmont as I reached the backyard.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your body gives me a
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I love how it feels <br />
with your jeans against mine</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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“HEY DAD,” I was nearly panting out of breath. “HEY WHY DON’T
YOU TAKE A DIP IN THE POOL AND I’LL GET THESE STEAKS ON FOR YOU!”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Kid, why are you shouting,” said dad. “I’m not deaf.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The smell of burning
leather<br />
as we hold each other tight<br />
As our rivets rub together<br />
flashing sparks into the night<br />
At this moment of surrender darling<br />
if you really care. . . </i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“WHOOPS, SORRY I KNOCKED OVER THE RADIO,” I said sounding
like a frenzied Kevin Arnold. “HERE, I’LL TRY TO GET THAT STATION BACK.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My dad just looked at me. “What the Hell is wrong with you
kid,” he asked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Sorry, just a little clumsy dad; too much reading in bed,”
I said as I surreptitiously cranked the dial over to nice, safe, teeny-bopper
G-98. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ah, too bad that song is over, here’s another one,” I
stammered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gonna find my baby,
gonna hold her tight<br />
Gonna grab some afternoon delight. . .</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I paused and my heart skipped a beat. Nah, they’ll never
figure that one out. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other song I stopped just in the nick of time? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-66228340411871580172016-12-12T15:14:00.000-05:002016-12-12T15:14:03.909-05:00Sappy Christmas Giving Plug<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigH1y4gz1f91uZ9CXQ29N7iUrn_5-ewdiwlUaXFBAl-te5Rg6QdoewwtVYSYDfZHFYwOj3CgGzfx4NTWCAXj84fUEMVDnf9ghbtmfE2hYS6rpZ-PKvv_BghrXHclABJVy2Y9eDEwUFv83X/s1600/merry-christmas-happy-new-year.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigH1y4gz1f91uZ9CXQ29N7iUrn_5-ewdiwlUaXFBAl-te5Rg6QdoewwtVYSYDfZHFYwOj3CgGzfx4NTWCAXj84fUEMVDnf9ghbtmfE2hYS6rpZ-PKvv_BghrXHclABJVy2Y9eDEwUFv83X/s320/merry-christmas-happy-new-year.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m waiting for the letter carrier. She’s a nice lady.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have a Christmas Card for her. It contains a $50 bill just
like last year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She’s the only person we do this for. Lately, I know she’s
bucking for the same Christmas tip she got last year. She’s been getting out of
her vehicle to do a lot of ‘special deliveries’ on our porch and inside the
garage. She even signed something for us – something I’m not sure she’s
technically allowed to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t mind her obvious December campaign for the bonus. It
just shows me she appreciates it. And, she deserves it. And, it’s a rare
opportunity to make someone I don’t really know happy because she’s in
something of a thankless job and does it well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To me, these little acts are the true spirit of Christmas.
Last year, our letter carrier made sure she sent us a nice thank you card. I
imagined the things she might have done with the money.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like doing things like that and it’s a shame I don’t often
get the chance. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was a little worried this year that I might have to knock
the gift down a little but I didn’t so that was good. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s a Salvation Army kettle in front of the Wal-Mart, as
usual. I usually drop a few bucks or two in the kettle over the course of the season.
I’m a little conflicted because of the Army’s social-political positions but I
think the good outweighs the bad in this case.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’d rather give directly to people and make their day a
little brighter. Maybe there are ways you can do that too. I’ve heard of people
picking up checks for diners. That’s a little iffy since you don’t really know
them. But if you overhear a story from them that makes you think your gift
might really be appreciated, I say go for it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Same thing in lines for groceries and toys. Maybe there is
some more good you or I can do to pay it forward. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t have much human contact and people generally scare
me, now more than ever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in our cruel and heartless age, the ability to give
personally and selflessly is perhaps needed now more than ever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garrison Keillor once wrote an essay on kindness. It was
received with much venom from people who thought Keillor’s kindness came out of
their pockets at the barrel of a gun to be given to undeserving people who
would blow it on cigarettes and booze. ‘Kindness’ in their eyes, became
something liberals do that throws the wheels of social Darwinism out of whack
and therefore must be resisted with stern discipline.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That column always stuck with me. To me there is nothing
wrong with kindness; it makes us human. To many who support the new President,
it is instead, seen as a sign of weakness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been let down, I have been betrayed. I have had
people go out of their way to hurt me and I still don’t know why. I bet you
have too. Kindness is tough. But it separates us from those who would rather
watch the world burn. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We could do a lot of good if we were more aware of the little
things we could do to spread happiness around us. I miss so much because of my
paranoia and distrust. I have blinders on as I go through the day so I am not
distracted or accosted. My mail carrier is someone that is easy for me to
remember and someone I can PLAN on doing something nice at Christmas. That is
the word – PLAN. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For those of us with our various mental conditions,
spontaneous displays of emotion and charity can be frightening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But maybe if we’re a little more mindful, all of us can do
something to make another person’s day brighter at this time of year – and all
year. To me, this represents a personal struggle to maintain my humanity. I
want to preserve that humanity; but it’s hard. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, let me finish with a story of an act of kindness I still
don’t believe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was moving from Sioux Falls to my hometown of Chardon and my
U-Haul broke down in the Quad Cities. They sent a tow truck driver who left me
in a U-Haul facility where a gentleman was endeavoring to get me a new truck.
There were few available in the area and it was going to be tough. I might have
to spend the night there and I was very nervous.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But he got me a new truck and gave me the keys and asked me
to back it up to the old truck where he would help me transfer all the stuff
from the broken truck into this new one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I backed up without looking in the mirror and promptly caved
in the side of a sedan that was sitting next to the bay. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was beyond panicked – I was mortified. Now this would be
an insurance issue – what more could go wrong. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, the guy came over and told me to forget about it.
Maybe he could see the pain and panic on my face, I don’t know. He would NOT take
my insurance card. “It’s just a go-for car we drive around the lot,” he said. “Don’t
worry about it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I DID make him take all the cash in my wallet – around $100
which he said he would donate to his family church. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then he helped me transfer all my stuff from one truck
to another and I was on my way.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are angels on earth and maybe you will meet one
someday. I met one that day and I will always remember and feel grateful. I
have no idea what he told his boss about the crumpled door of the sedan.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, when I think of what I can do, I remember the kindness
shown me that day and I have endeavored to pay it forward ever since. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
May your holidays be one of active giving, your time, your
money, yourselves. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
OK, this is sappy but I don’t care. I may never forget a
hurt, but I also never remember a kindness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And after all, isn’t that what this season is all about?</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9GoPg6A7JsGXJxEHQQ1UT3bpN4Z2ozHDKE-1RISwvs-PWp9x8A-4LoP__qkwE1g-IocYvvVlMbwzSbBAnz-vFQz_iLzxx6tQwPiwnUhc5XcMje-3xsVjWVHpsIEm_H6QT3HJMJaKCmSAv/s1600/Chirstmas-Kindness-Simple-Acts-of-Kindness-.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9GoPg6A7JsGXJxEHQQ1UT3bpN4Z2ozHDKE-1RISwvs-PWp9x8A-4LoP__qkwE1g-IocYvvVlMbwzSbBAnz-vFQz_iLzxx6tQwPiwnUhc5XcMje-3xsVjWVHpsIEm_H6QT3HJMJaKCmSAv/s640/Chirstmas-Kindness-Simple-Acts-of-Kindness-.png" width="497" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here are some ideas</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-73793858518636026422016-12-09T18:56:00.000-05:002016-12-09T18:56:30.188-05:00Sick Sick Sick<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sick, sick, sick.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone has suddenly come down with some kind of illness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After having yesterday off, I find that several of my co-workers,
who have been fighting various bugs, called in sick yesterday. My wife is
hacking up a storm. I’m fighting it myself – AND we all had flu shots – where I
work, it’s mandatory.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8pkyJbUAnc8K0SODu5jOrXNBU8vTM5Lv2VdTWblKUhPcmjI78huEXtKwvBQLx-_HiqnYmfNo_C4_GcI_1FGia0hc4OxblI3dnTnmyxn3Hm_XEV3Rtl0YvhfyHI65iw7weqTZlx1ybqaAF/s1600/Tips-for-Parents-on-Staying-Healthy-and-Ways-to-Prevent-Getting-Sick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8pkyJbUAnc8K0SODu5jOrXNBU8vTM5Lv2VdTWblKUhPcmjI78huEXtKwvBQLx-_HiqnYmfNo_C4_GcI_1FGia0hc4OxblI3dnTnmyxn3Hm_XEV3Rtl0YvhfyHI65iw7weqTZlx1ybqaAF/s320/Tips-for-Parents-on-Staying-Healthy-and-Ways-to-Prevent-Getting-Sick.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our friends</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suspect a lot of upper respiratory illnesses are
circulating. Right now I think (hope) I just have a head cold. One of my
co-workers undergoing chemotherapy, is avoiding getting close to anyone and I
don’t blame him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
This, of course, brings back my fond memories of being sick as a kid.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mom was an elementary school teacher who had some basic
training as a nurse. It was very difficult to get anything past her in the wake
of faking an illness, but God knows, I tried. Especially in the third grade
when things were . . .um, kind of tough for me socially. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwkThZEAYZphDa7TylqMPhneoNdC0v_i5Y2mxQaNXh-CtTSBaJjEbrAKTIC0McfPbp3wbLrT9RhyUGWQU2rs1Ow1jHPMrmOWUTIMfAAqEAr-HoBKNnyj-F4gjHsdTCKdSSXhYl2H31rdhG/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwkThZEAYZphDa7TylqMPhneoNdC0v_i5Y2mxQaNXh-CtTSBaJjEbrAKTIC0McfPbp3wbLrT9RhyUGWQU2rs1Ow1jHPMrmOWUTIMfAAqEAr-HoBKNnyj-F4gjHsdTCKdSSXhYl2H31rdhG/s320/images.jpg" width="199" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Don't eat the pudding in the fridge'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If my mother had to stay home with us when we were little,
she would have to call in and arrange for a substitute teacher for her second
grade class. So we REALLY had to be sick in order to stay home. Dad never
stayed home with us. He just wasn’t the type to bring up chicken soup and check
our temperature. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It got a little easier when we got older and mom would let
me and my sister stay home by ourselves. This happened around the time I was in
fifth grade. I know today that many will say that was too young but this was a
different time (the 70s) and we were given more responsibility for taking care
of ourselves. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wow, that sounded like something coming from a crotchety old
man, eh? Well, it was true, dangumit! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fact, I remember having the house key around my neck in
the first grade when the bus would let me off on the corner of the street and I
would walk up the street and let myself in the house and wait for my mom to
come home.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First grade – imaging that happening today. Child Protective
Services would have a field day with that one. But nothing ever happened. Well,
except that ONE day that I missed my stop which I wrote about earlier.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMljucfLtY3OEb0O6pRaJx3uB29IUT9PHUlJ3cJrasIShw0JkkPcpJmQBZHYfvW-jhifUy6y-ztG8j2RFV1ZwYgtdePLdqHOLP4K_W3-yQnhFkpGBfhBgiCFIQUa5X1MdmtJVdTHVCG2jR/s1600/image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMljucfLtY3OEb0O6pRaJx3uB29IUT9PHUlJ3cJrasIShw0JkkPcpJmQBZHYfvW-jhifUy6y-ztG8j2RFV1ZwYgtdePLdqHOLP4K_W3-yQnhFkpGBfhBgiCFIQUa5X1MdmtJVdTHVCG2jR/s200/image.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Um. . . . </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So being sick usually started with a firm diagnosis made
after a game of 20 questions about how I was feeling. I learned that if I
really wanted a day off, careful planning the day before would make a more
convincing case. If I started to hack and wheeze and complain the day before,
it was easier to believe I was sick the next day. I could also make myself
sneeze by picking my nose in a certain way. No I am not proud of this. No I
will not tell you how to do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A co-worker of mine years later told me how he did it. He’d
hide a glass of water in the bathroom, set his watch alarm to wake him at 4
a.m. and then to the bathroom making retching noise and throw the water into
the toilet, all of this loud enough for his parents to hear. Then he’d flush
the toilet before they got there. What could I say? Genius.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">totally unnecessary. But I DID have to have syrup of ipecac. Ugh!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, if I faked it and I was on my own, the day would
be spent, first, watching CBS This Morning with Hughes Rudd (and Sally Quinn if
you remember back that far) and Captain Kangaroo. Then it was a whole day
reading and eating chicken soup. I had to eat the soup because my mom would
check the garbage can when she came home to make sure I was eating right. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But then there were those days when there was no question at
all – I was sick and looked it. One such case I remember very well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was February 1974. I was getting sick at school the day
before, hacking up all kinds of petri dish type gunk. I made a big tactical
mistake – I went out for gym class in the snow which made everything worse.
When I got back into class I was going downhill fast. I asked our fourth grade
nun if I could do to the nurse and have my parents called.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister Mary St. Clair was a tough old penguin. She
absolutely refused. “If you were well enough to go romp in the snow, you’re
well enough to sit here the rest of the day,” she said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time I got home, I could barely speak and shortly, I
couldn’t speak. Mom came home and I was already in bed. I croaked out an
explanation of what happened and she got mad at the nun which was not a good
thing because whenever my mom had words with the nun, I was the one that
suffered.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mom’s anger turned to concern – my temperature was already
past 101 so she knew this was not fakery. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would be home for the rest of the week and it was NOT that
fun.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was dragged to the doctor after being sick for two
days, he gave me a steroid shot and said I had bronchitis and laryngitis, not
to mention a high fever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So let me tell you what the second night of my illness was
like. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had been in bed all day hacking up. . . well, I’ll spare
you the gore, but I was going thorough tissues and towels at a prodigious pace.
I was also in woozy-woozy land. Much flat ginger ale was being drunk as my head
lolled to one side, fixated on my little black and white TV which was on from
morning to evening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Channel 61 (WKBF for old time Clevelanders) would run their
evening movie promos all day. The first day it was for a movie called ‘Five
Card Stud.’ They packaged the promo in such a way to build up all the suspense
and foreboding of the movies. I assumed from the promos that all the cowboys
playing poker were going to get shot. I could live with that since I knew I
would not be awake for the movie.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the second day of my illness, the worst day when my
temperature hit 104 late in the evening, they were promoting the movie ‘In Cold
Blood.’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
OK, I kind of got the picture from the promo – nice family
in Kansas, bad guys come in the middle of the night, noir shots of the guys
coming up the stairs, and everyone dies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was 11-years-old and that put the hook into my fevered
brain bigly. For a kid who lives in a house that makes strange noises in the
middle of the night in winter (the heated water pipes ran through the wooden
steps or near them), this was not something I wanted dancing across my dreams
that night.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWPk77-3VJGSt7O2qtYV1VK6uS2BIUt_gg8xlOK6tRstcog8YnMQfOIsvGEAPalA30TXycOP0D3cGuyZjKdvF_tz40-d_EdWPhzGG46EAsNHa-ZgC98OHxX3O5GdTVjMaIoDXurE6UZmdB/s1600/the-clutter-house9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWPk77-3VJGSt7O2qtYV1VK6uS2BIUt_gg8xlOK6tRstcog8YnMQfOIsvGEAPalA30TXycOP0D3cGuyZjKdvF_tz40-d_EdWPhzGG46EAsNHa-ZgC98OHxX3O5GdTVjMaIoDXurE6UZmdB/s320/the-clutter-house9.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Having Truman Capote in my bedroom after my murder would be creepy enough</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can imaging the night I had. The hot water heater would
send the water through the pipes with an evil sounding drip and whoosh. Then
the wood would start expanding and contracting. At some point, I kid you not,
even you would believe someone was WALKING UP THE STAIRS!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-Q_HovidHPGxZlEPrlSELxrO59b_tbsyKxhhit1s0oERdhxkZEIesNRvtDBoLzaykao9UEQXT0-erwMFY_TYskeIKYS_ScbdkOxKgQBZ0uEUW8GMzbIgpJJqCdtOq4-4TptYSJeU0nxl/s1600/8137538881_0ecec9258a_m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-Q_HovidHPGxZlEPrlSELxrO59b_tbsyKxhhit1s0oERdhxkZEIesNRvtDBoLzaykao9UEQXT0-erwMFY_TYskeIKYS_ScbdkOxKgQBZ0uEUW8GMzbIgpJJqCdtOq4-4TptYSJeU0nxl/s1600/8137538881_0ecec9258a_m.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other problem I was having with my high fever was
auditory hallucinations. I was hearing things. The news anchor from CKLW radio
(from Detroit but really Windsor, Ontario)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>was talking to me “this is CKLW 20-20 News!” I could hear him in my
head. Other voices from radio and TV were also speaking randomly to me.
Regrettably none of those were Captain Kangaroo or MisterRogers calming me
down. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And all the while, I was waiting for Robert Blake to come up
the stairs and kill me. I hoped that my dad would hear him first and, as a
Marine, would kick the shit out of those two punks before they could do
anything. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I didn’t know that. My radio and TV friends were in my
head talking to me and they were not reassuring. I wrapped myself so tight in
the blankets that I could feel the flop sweat drenching the sheets. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY7i3DiN-Qf5-oHX1KkbsiSWKKpSRfVY3NCuQBQ2woViBzFiY5OfjQOKXFofSP25Gxxx9_3TR0dKe46v_l7eLbb1zcwN-pr4m4DRhKPOTjnsD2G2QZYxA0WQkSAC9q9-ui6sfQZssrJgGn/s1600/o-NIGHTMARES-facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY7i3DiN-Qf5-oHX1KkbsiSWKKpSRfVY3NCuQBQ2woViBzFiY5OfjQOKXFofSP25Gxxx9_3TR0dKe46v_l7eLbb1zcwN-pr4m4DRhKPOTjnsD2G2QZYxA0WQkSAC9q9-ui6sfQZssrJgGn/s320/o-NIGHTMARES-facebook.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually, like all good horror movies, the sun came up and
mom came in to take my temperature and get me more ginger ale. My fever was
better but I still felt like warmed-over dog crap. I did not tell her of my
psycho-horror night sleep because, well, that’s not the kind of thing a boy
tells him mom. Besides, I survived. I spent most of that day sleeping and
watching channels other than 61. There were always cartoons on Channel 43 and
Prize Movie was sometimes pretty good. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAsqmkORQfGqEQFnw9ZQrSReoU_LVeayK6q3W4hDERKYDeNZTpjfuP0DDQSwNbO9cXCWCDEozmgj2D2S12Lo52cMvMo5Ei0Dqc_22_EB7qBikKSZwIM-JhvII0bzMn9Ft8hozPQ-L4a2Zg/s1600/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAsqmkORQfGqEQFnw9ZQrSReoU_LVeayK6q3W4hDERKYDeNZTpjfuP0DDQSwNbO9cXCWCDEozmgj2D2S12Lo52cMvMo5Ei0Dqc_22_EB7qBikKSZwIM-JhvII0bzMn9Ft8hozPQ-L4a2Zg/s320/hqdefault.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clevelanders of a certain age will remember</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well eventually I returned to school after a four days
absence and there was Sister Mary St. Clair, calling me to her desk first thing
in the morning. She loomed over me and spoke quietly about the previous Monday. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of could she never apologized for not letting me go to the
nurse. She justified her actions. I didn’t care and knew better to argue. In
the back of my mind, I knew it really would not have made a difference when I
got home: I was going to be very sick regardless.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I learned something about human nature which, as I am
wont to do, immediately forgot it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nowadays, as an adult, getting sick is not some kind of
magical day off from school to watch TV all day and drink ginger all – it’s a
genuine pain in the ass. I’m lucky in my job to have sick leave AND the option
to use my annual leave in lieu of sick. Most people don’t have that option and
have to come in regardless of how sick they are.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And you know what happens then – the sickness of one person
spreads around the office like Poe’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Masque of the Red Death</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But whenever I do get sick enough to call in, I’m always
reminded of those days in front of the little black and white TV, with mom
bringing fluids and soup and feeling like you were being cared for in the best
way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, of course, we’re on our own. Make your own tea, pop
Tylenol for severe cold, drink lots of water and hope you feel just good enough
to come in the next day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The term that’s in vogue now is ‘self-care.’ It’s important
for all of us. I wish people more people could stay home when they are sick –
even if it’s the often derided ‘mental health day.’ Because with more and more
demands placed upon us by work and family life, people are being stressed to
death.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And not everyone has someone to bring them chicken soup.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-23139795281781716092016-12-01T18:38:00.000-05:002016-12-01T18:40:10.123-05:00Am I Dead But I Don't Know It?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKGSlLNDJb5_5PaVkCLwgUM8U9aO7repiq84FD62sUnoKlkmrJ_x-foGaC3aN5nKGO-MO2j-_tXgdIlfbZCxE48jMssRsWwjeqQxwrPJxPsFZX_YuJpSIJWcW89skCAaUyCnM8BXe0Yvg/s1600/randy_newman_getty_alberto_e_rodriguez_2013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghKGSlLNDJb5_5PaVkCLwgUM8U9aO7repiq84FD62sUnoKlkmrJ_x-foGaC3aN5nKGO-MO2j-_tXgdIlfbZCxE48jMssRsWwjeqQxwrPJxPsFZX_YuJpSIJWcW89skCAaUyCnM8BXe0Yvg/s200/randy_newman_getty_alberto_e_rodriguez_2013.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But I still like Randy Newman</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I have nothing left to
say<br />
But I'm gonna say it anyway*<br />
</i><br />
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the fact that I rarely listen anymore to
the music I grew up with and, up until about 8-10 years ago, used to love –
basically, rock and pop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think both people dealing with anxiety issues and those
growing older may experience this and wonder what the reason may be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQF31aLV_okh-XmWPvekp8NAPDYQABDXKKYqwZIVHN4aXzmOyg0Q1L6YbhK-atLw00z3o59xSkfNZuKr8K714hnY4E8KUy6e65LeKBqo32XXyX_DnHCs5EcI0r_pXCq-PNAxoIXBGnlV5/s1600/CDCOVER-Medium-Mozart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCQF31aLV_okh-XmWPvekp8NAPDYQABDXKKYqwZIVHN4aXzmOyg0Q1L6YbhK-atLw00z3o59xSkfNZuKr8K714hnY4E8KUy6e65LeKBqo32XXyX_DnHCs5EcI0r_pXCq-PNAxoIXBGnlV5/s200/CDCOVER-Medium-Mozart.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mozart rocks. . . gently</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the time, I listen to classical music but also jazz,
blues and some other forms of instrumental music. At the beginning, during a
particularly bad episode of anxiety, I felt the classical music I was listening
to helped me to calm down and relax.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a while, I found myself enjoying it to the point where
it became my preferred music.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My changing taste in music was driven home to me a few
months ago when I went to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band live.
Springsteen had been my favorite artist and I had grown up with his music, knew
most of the songs by heart and had the same transcendent experiences that many
other fans do during live shows.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This time, it seemed like more of a muddle-through. I had
heard and seen it all before and something was missing. As Bruce and the band
plowed through song after song, almost mechanically, I began to look at my
watch. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then I wondered: is it really true that if it’s too
loud, you’re too old?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been bothered a bit by the experience ever since. I
have all the genre music and rock channels programmed on my Sirius radio in my
car but I find I might listen to them for maybe a song or two and I look for
something else – even news and talk.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still have enough of my faculties to remember the way I
used to be. Part of it was having what I will call an ‘exuberant energy’ that
seems to have left me. I had a sort of manic enthusiasm for many things that are
gone, leaving me somewhat emotionally bereft. Again, what is the cause – aging,
medications, work stress, or something else or a combination of factors?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to enjoy driving long distances to see new things and
meet new people. Now I just want to stay home with my wife and cat. I
physically could not drive that many hours without collapsing anyway.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I liked going out for movies and conversations with friends
over drinks. Now those friends are gone, I don’t drink much, I find I have no
desire to see what Hollywood is putting out (nothing for my age group) and the
idea of crowded theaters doesn’t appeal to me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to collect coins and marvel at the designs and the
fact that when you held an old coin in your hand, you were the last in a long
string of people throughout the years who also held that coin. Now my silver is
removed from their cases and bundled up as I occasionally check the going price
of bulk silver looking for a good time to unload the lot.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to be politically engaged and looked for
opportunities to change the world or at least my little part of it. Now I’ve
given up on all of that, seeing those efforts as having wasted a good part of
my life slamming my head into a wall waiting for a different result. And
society has degenerated to such a degree that I want no part of interacting
with it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I loved reading books more than anything. I still have
hundreds of books which are in good need of a dusting. If I read any books at
all, they are on Kindle and it takes me all year to get through even the ones I
enjoy. I haven’t the attention span any more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is this the progressive course of depression, again or
something else?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of my first and longest lasting loves was newspapers. I
got my mom to subscribe to the local papers when I was 11. I kept many of the
front pages of my youth which now hang on the wall of my basement museum. I got
to work in the field and was lucky and privileged enough to do some great
stories and experience history. I would eagerly anticipate the paper delivery
and devour it all.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now the newspaper sometimes doesn’t make it from the
driveway to the front door without being thrown in recycling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1AmQqlTQnIexzvDxCEnr-e2NZNGTO4oQeEqpDSmOvzcr1FIPBxkfQm-dxXqTmOvoERvSLG3t8mOxlGMTDOpH_mrpq_aL7HUaMpAJsbGW_Z3G3_Y5TXTaswei4T2_Q6cVFFsi_S11eUphp/s1600/newspaper-social-media-headline.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1AmQqlTQnIexzvDxCEnr-e2NZNGTO4oQeEqpDSmOvzcr1FIPBxkfQm-dxXqTmOvoERvSLG3t8mOxlGMTDOpH_mrpq_aL7HUaMpAJsbGW_Z3G3_Y5TXTaswei4T2_Q6cVFFsi_S11eUphp/s200/newspaper-social-media-headline.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And newspapers are dead</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are many more examples, but I don’t want to belabor
the point.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When I was a child, I
spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I
became a man, I put away childish things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>--</i> 1 Corinthians 13:11</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What bothers me about the above quote from St. Paul is that
these things I’ve mentioned that I lost interest in are not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">childish things</i>; per se. Adults still
partake in every one of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not
think I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">outgrew </i>any of this.
Something else happened and I don’t like it. All of this passion I once had for
things has slipped away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Part of the reason I can’t quit Facebook even though I know
it’s probably not good for me, is that I get a window into the lives of people
who always seem happy. Mostly my high school classmates, but others too. They
are out having fun with their big families and enjoying everything. I look at
this parade of smiling people and their travels and celebrations and think:
what’s wrong with me? I was kind of like this. What happened? If they can do
it, why can’t I?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkz0eUy0coQVv955eGJaxhZxjHp6Idpi9B2a9PUXF6sJ9xM92XhI-WIfemEtYBeRgPcuWvAMbffDMk55NUhySg1hG9zYD0clcBox1mhJmC2-N7ePJCtoz6cyw7-7udK7_1XWGOtjTkSVjU/s1600/perfect-family-at-beach-ftr.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkz0eUy0coQVv955eGJaxhZxjHp6Idpi9B2a9PUXF6sJ9xM92XhI-WIfemEtYBeRgPcuWvAMbffDMk55NUhySg1hG9zYD0clcBox1mhJmC2-N7ePJCtoz6cyw7-7udK7_1XWGOtjTkSVjU/s320/perfect-family-at-beach-ftr.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shiny happy people - is it all an illusion</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to me be but now I’m someone else. Like one of <a href="https://allpoetry.com/The-Hollow-Men" target="_blank">T.S.Eliot’s Hollow Men</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m dead inside. I exist, but with no real passion,
excitement or anticipation of better things to come. I’m going through the
motions, waiting for the shadow man with the scythe to come for me. My last two
remaining material pleasures are fattening food and a halfway decent night’s
sleep. There are depression sufferers who often will spend a day or a week in
bed. I get that. Bed is the only place I feel totally comfortable with myself.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I continue to struggle at work. I often get confused and
forgetful. I get very frustrated with myself and realize that if I ever got a
job as a reporter in a newsroom again, I couldn’t handle it. I have to double
and triple check everything I do. I forget names, places, dates and what I did
earlier in the day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wonder how long this can go on. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I have a family to
support<br />
But surely, that is no excuse<br />
I've nothing further to report<br />
Time you spend with me<br />
Is time you lose*</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we were kids, the whole idea of growing up and getting
to do adult things and getting a fantastic job and having a great life were
what we lived for. For me, the trip was marching at one horizon after another.
I’ve done a lot, seen a lot and have mostly enjoyed my experiences, at least
when my bipolar was not causing issues. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They say that the magic is in the trip, not the destination.
But I think some of us actually reach a destination when the road comes to a
dead end. For whatever reason, the possibilities are now closed, the mind and
body start to decline and you’re just holding on. Not a really bad situation,
not a good one -- just stasis, entropy, disillusionment. We got to where we
were going and found there were no answers, no great truths revealed, and no
pot at the end of the rainbow. There was, however, a comfy couch and a TV with
157 channels.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there was anything left to do, I wouldn’t have the energy
for it anyway. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I always thought that
I would know<br />
When it was time to quit<br />
That when I lost a step or two or three or four or five<br />
I'd notice it<br />
Now that I've arrived here safely<br />
I find my talent has gone<br />
Why do I go on and on and on and on and on*</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46Enrqz8NhEOHWzyD4GCBiBWzl3nkRvlQaL3hMeX_1AdUqC9EqhXyTn7IuNL2FkDVwk9xWSQuuNWG0uF5Kl-A8GAZfV8zKujboGdA-XrHANgnNvkONCFmR7xu_LPjIwbeGVWhZmM8Xem7/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46Enrqz8NhEOHWzyD4GCBiBWzl3nkRvlQaL3hMeX_1AdUqC9EqhXyTn7IuNL2FkDVwk9xWSQuuNWG0uF5Kl-A8GAZfV8zKujboGdA-XrHANgnNvkONCFmR7xu_LPjIwbeGVWhZmM8Xem7/s200/index.jpg" width="200" /></a>I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and now I am tired. I work
in job where I’m not needed, I carry issues that leave me no peace, and career
and life goals are just a remembrance, receding in the rear view mirror.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kurt Vonnegut became a big fan of the Statler Brothers and
especially their song ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Flowers on the
Wall.</i>’ Vonnegut interpreted the song as a story about a man who has lost
his usefulness in the world. I always thought it was the only hit song that mentioned
Captain Kangaroo, a childhood idol.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I think he’s right.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Last night I dressed
in tails, pretended I was on the town<b><br />
</b>As long as I can dream it's hard to slow this swinger down<b><br />
</b>So please don't give a thought to me, I'm really doin' fine<b><br />
</b>You can always find me here, I'm havin' quite a time</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsXMpUv1x7IdRg5EJUdIbQuW30HSbM2TpxoqVVGDPJ6x6UlzR6KbepKHotLBroF3EqYtrAg9peaY5sIZ1WTRRj5aBlQ6J6ylwGvohO1LU3UMfT-iZRa4luZ9IuFRB0ivuXdA8WZ7nMni_b/s1600/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsXMpUv1x7IdRg5EJUdIbQuW30HSbM2TpxoqVVGDPJ6x6UlzR6KbepKHotLBroF3EqYtrAg9peaY5sIZ1WTRRj5aBlQ6J6ylwGvohO1LU3UMfT-iZRa4luZ9IuFRB0ivuXdA8WZ7nMni_b/s200/hqdefault.jpg" width="200" /></a></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sitting in my living room playing solitaire with a
deck of 51, but like the character in the song, I dream of doing the things I
used to but when I go out, I find it a strange and challenging experience and
wish to return as soon as possible to my ‘room’ and perform my tired yet
comfortable and safe routine.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I seem to be feeling sorry for myself and in a way,
I’ll cop to it. But I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I just
haven’t meant anyone who does, probably because most men (or women) don’t want
to talk about it. And, I hate being this way and have tried numerous things to
get me out of this rut. Writing this essay is akin to wandering in the woods
speaking your thoughts to the trees and perhaps an idea will emerge. But right
now, I’m out of solutions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
F. Scott Fitzgerald once said there were no second acts in
American life. I know he’s wrong. I’ve had second, third and fourth acts. All I
want is one more act, one more adventure, one more burst of energy. I didn’t
think it would be over at 54; sixty-five maybe but not now. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think Randy Newman captured the feeling perfectly as well:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">When will I end this
bitter game?<br />
When will I end this cruel charade?<br />
Everything I write all sounds the same<br />
Each record that I'm making<br />
Is like a record that I've made<br />
Just not as good<br />
<br />
I'm dead but I don't know it<br />
He's dead, he's dead<br />
Please don't tell me so<br />
Please don't tell me so<br />
You're dead!*</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now a surprise twist: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Submitted for your approval. . . .</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXgXPqG6ZgY7W3g0owvezDytM10K5v2EjxBjbhMaLA5qCMefK_6Tsa07jtOt2vd7iwiwv2bLv7MEwFkf71x57C4AdM4RtAmxBPM-hmUGQK41Zs_zJ6Jr4wIj-6uYWMzb5WYwWV32aBXVmH/s1600/01_arriv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="139" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXgXPqG6ZgY7W3g0owvezDytM10K5v2EjxBjbhMaLA5qCMefK_6Tsa07jtOt2vd7iwiwv2bLv7MEwFkf71x57C4AdM4RtAmxBPM-hmUGQK41Zs_zJ6Jr4wIj-6uYWMzb5WYwWV32aBXVmH/s200/01_arriv.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sunnyvale Rest, a home
for the aged – a dying place and a common children's game called kick-the-can, that
will shortly become a refuge for a man who knows he will die in this world, if
he doesn't escape into – The Twilight Zone</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The episode is called Kick the Can and it was remade for the
Twilight Zone movie. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just remembered it. That means I have to see it again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/bACPrRBfT3A/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bACPrRBfT3A?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“What happened Ben?
What changed you? Was it time that did it . . . or was it something else?”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“I feel if I could
only run again, growing old wouldn’t be so bad.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sunnyvale Rest, a
dying place for ancient people, who have forgotten the fragile magic of youth.
A dying place for those who have forgotten that childhood, maturity, and old
age are curiously intertwined and not separate. A dying place for those who
have grown too stiff in their thinking – to visit – The Twilight Zone.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvdnTDVh8BK1c1xeLSVTa-mSXKs3XTqWJ4MZAcprlpvi8_zgH_RoC5A_EgmN10wLvp5uSsao3LiQrxTpf4i1humMMkfJIi5xxf3qqmP_8LUOpgOMnNfyTt4J52gFso-LsRxa1RlXK5bn2O/s1600/4921kickingthec_00000004612.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvdnTDVh8BK1c1xeLSVTa-mSXKs3XTqWJ4MZAcprlpvi8_zgH_RoC5A_EgmN10wLvp5uSsao3LiQrxTpf4i1humMMkfJIi5xxf3qqmP_8LUOpgOMnNfyTt4J52gFso-LsRxa1RlXK5bn2O/s320/4921kickingthec_00000004612.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Kick the can</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have to find it. The magic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> <i>* </i></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">-- Lyrics from Randy Newman “I’m Dead but I
Don’t Know It”</i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-78197046968064697332016-11-23T11:37:00.000-05:002016-11-23T11:37:52.677-05:00Happy Bloody Thanksgiving!<div class="MsoNormal">
The latest thing in journalism and sociology on the eve of
Thanksgiving is writing ‘survival guides’ for dealing with relations who may
not share your political beliefs. This isn't anything new, but after this
election, many familial relationships are turning fratricidal. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I mean is that people are being threatened with
hellfire, being disinherited, having their college money pulled and things of
that nature. This is really getting sick and the country is getting sicker by
the day. Thankfully (ha!), I won’t have that issue this Thanksgiving as my
wife, my son and I are in total agreement. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After dipping my toe in enough political talk on Facebook, I’ve
had enough. I will enjoy my bubble of personal friends and acquaintances while
keeping my eye on the Trumpsters through the Internet. Life is too short to
argue with intractable hateful people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE35yA3CTk-hotGxBIrZoftVK8F-kwyV8bFBo01YdkUTo788tY7HEdYTcufmGohWF3NlBYVWFhMJTlUJLsAwvYo3qfrLz4WJhL4w410LdPZvAgV8B35L78zwONYHrdVPwUOzpvHBFOtt2D/s1600/Trumpgiving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE35yA3CTk-hotGxBIrZoftVK8F-kwyV8bFBo01YdkUTo788tY7HEdYTcufmGohWF3NlBYVWFhMJTlUJLsAwvYo3qfrLz4WJhL4w410LdPZvAgV8B35L78zwONYHrdVPwUOzpvHBFOtt2D/s320/Trumpgiving.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just try not to think about it</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, so I had a Thanksgiving family memory to share. I
call it ‘Thanksgiving 1975: The Year of Blood on the Turkey.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It started out as a usual Thanksgiving. Mom was struggling
with the whole turkey dinner and tension was growing between her and dad. This
happened for many reasons. The first was that my mother was a failed cook in
the eye of my dad’s mom, who could create the greatest feasts known to man and
boy I miss them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU4xTy39UeY_l38Iei7cFRmuIgEtAQSzUf5FnhSvdvWVu4JZY7myiAIu2tvR53GRueSFXJynuigz1bbfRzV1kmZfLv2Sm11JL8azgJIGbvoc0UE-Z1yaJ3p1shsHB8TYJA40lBtGMaY4NI/s1600/Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-thanksgiving-2927689-375-479.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU4xTy39UeY_l38Iei7cFRmuIgEtAQSzUf5FnhSvdvWVu4JZY7myiAIu2tvR53GRueSFXJynuigz1bbfRzV1kmZfLv2Sm11JL8azgJIGbvoc0UE-Z1yaJ3p1shsHB8TYJA40lBtGMaY4NI/s320/Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-thanksgiving-2927689-375-479.jpg" width="250" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not our family</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mom had a tendency of boiling everything which accounts for
my dislike of most vegetables that are good for me: asparagus, broccoli,
cauliflower, Brussels sprouts – all boiled to limpness. The smell of such
atrocities still makes me retch so my wife has standing orders never to prepare
those dishes, well, like my mother.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So my mom would try her best and inevitably fail. WE never
said anything but my dad would occasionally offer a small critique here and
there, just enough to set mom’s teeth on edge. Inside she knew, she KNEW she
was being judged. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another reason was when my father decided it was time to
eat, it was time to eat. However, inevitably, mom wasn’t quite finished with
everything and kept rushing back and forth to the table to put the rolls out
(inevitably burned), the side dishes, etc. My father would yell “Jeezus Christ,
would you please just SIT down already – we’re all (I’m) hungry.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, also without fail, the tension would get to my mother
by Christmas which would be observed by the annual ritual of her smashing a
dish to the kitchen floor and screaming “Merry Christmas God-damn it!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdJcpDeQ-ipn-btdDrS5CBGvduxQT6SiKvMd552Cv3dUClvnir7uROCTyYZWNSPJ7IKK4ZmXs7EkBhq8bHzlK8fOaXDCoDGRGoXsWniHXPel0ozi2bdsAcszCn9cLtpp4hCqvW3ZqxGVah/s1600/29223025-angry-smartly-dressed-young-woman-smashing-plates-Stock-Photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdJcpDeQ-ipn-btdDrS5CBGvduxQT6SiKvMd552Cv3dUClvnir7uROCTyYZWNSPJ7IKK4ZmXs7EkBhq8bHzlK8fOaXDCoDGRGoXsWniHXPel0ozi2bdsAcszCn9cLtpp4hCqvW3ZqxGVah/s320/29223025-angry-smartly-dressed-young-woman-smashing-plates-Stock-Photo.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah! Like this. Except, um, not her.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well anyway, the tension was so thick this particular
Thanksgiving that you could cut it with a knife which was exactly what my
father did.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the former Marine who should know something about using
knives started to slice the turkey, he cleanly sliced into his own thumb, going
almost to the bone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you remember that old Saturday Night Live bit from the
70s with Julia Child cutting herself spurting fake blood all over the kitchen?
Well, that’s pretty much what this looked like except the blood was real.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicplNaJ2_jjy2Sh3VY8p7O4b4AZ72KL3xEqvjEI3ekjh7zEf7OfRzRaAUj_W5XHLnNOMUhP-SMMq3N2CvVJOjA-NId-bNggYFWHHqkVfGrage54YrNTRur_v42006hun1MfgwkR3nhSNc6/s1600/tumblr_m8tauyzdwh1qebvfho1_5001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicplNaJ2_jjy2Sh3VY8p7O4b4AZ72KL3xEqvjEI3ekjh7zEf7OfRzRaAUj_W5XHLnNOMUhP-SMMq3N2CvVJOjA-NId-bNggYFWHHqkVfGrage54YrNTRur_v42006hun1MfgwkR3nhSNc6/s320/tumblr_m8tauyzdwh1qebvfho1_5001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After this I don’t remember too much except there was a lot
of yelling and screaming to get a towel to wrap the thumb in and for mom to
drive dad to the ER.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My sister and I sat and looked at the Turkey which looked
like it had been freshly butchered except we knew whose blood it was and it was
gross.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjukadcUvFryq6rThkdqfvheTrqh-OFVPRA_M690d6Hi-w_n9OvKXdUXyfJZEjZTmKlgMdcoquU6qlKz5LhX6JXNIu0IG4iGOhfpLYrGjKPSxAE61QdWKWpNS5hHAOhS7cVRRyVf0SEqanR/s1600/hqdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjukadcUvFryq6rThkdqfvheTrqh-OFVPRA_M690d6Hi-w_n9OvKXdUXyfJZEjZTmKlgMdcoquU6qlKz5LhX6JXNIu0IG4iGOhfpLYrGjKPSxAE61QdWKWpNS5hHAOhS7cVRRyVf0SEqanR/s320/hqdefault.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gratuitous Sarah Palin turkey photo here</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went off to watch the Cowboys-Lions game and we waited for
dad to come home. When he did, he had his entire hand wrapped with a metal
splint to keep the thumb in place. He would wear that for week and then spend
weeks more squeezing a rubber ball in his hand to get his strength back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mom offered to clean off the bloody parts of the turkey and
re-heat it but we had long stuffed ourselves on mashed potatoes and rolls and
wanted nothing to do with the bloody beast. After all, the blood had now soaked
even deeper into the bird.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Christ Con(nie) just throw the damn thing away,” my father
said. Not quite as dramatic as old man Bumpus’s dogs hauling the carcass away
but my mother had this look of eternal sadness that was shared by Ralphie’s dad
in ‘A Christmas Story.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoTHhFP6PcVur-vnNuex-ZVOK7-obZjrYtG3GDCzCjl2lmsf7cFMhHqXuj0B4R5RGShVyRPuatgnmM0NrvzAzmr0hcJYqLjTuuis7e8fzlkgh5DLLkDM6epVg7brcE180wPsKx6GNMskL/s1600/hqdefault+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQoTHhFP6PcVur-vnNuex-ZVOK7-obZjrYtG3GDCzCjl2lmsf7cFMhHqXuj0B4R5RGShVyRPuatgnmM0NrvzAzmr0hcJYqLjTuuis7e8fzlkgh5DLLkDM6epVg7brcE180wPsKx6GNMskL/s320/hqdefault+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You will never know the feeling</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t her fault, but in her eyes, it was. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And we did not go out for Chinese. At the time there were no
Chinese restaurants in Chardon and dad was expecting a big ER bill anyway so he
wouldn’t have spent the money.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All in all, it really sucked that year, but I learned my
lesson – buy an electric knife and let it do the work for you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga1AlmUUPMlqoyw20LZjrsEynJxaBsYSlCnPBKHOoiqtCLO5Inp8PISIB3NJtvgHMEA1-y_cAm5AC-2TzUJfIpqzMw4mfESmyVUXS2LI422jZ8rvYHUDIYiATrWnN5wFPKWjaBuuiijauo/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga1AlmUUPMlqoyw20LZjrsEynJxaBsYSlCnPBKHOoiqtCLO5Inp8PISIB3NJtvgHMEA1-y_cAm5AC-2TzUJfIpqzMw4mfESmyVUXS2LI422jZ8rvYHUDIYiATrWnN5wFPKWjaBuuiijauo/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I actually have this exact knife - Parents wedding gift</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hope none of you deal with a Thanksgiving disaster in your
life and for God’s sakes, toss the giblets. Who the hell really wants to eat
those?<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-40120378807535552462016-11-19T08:15:00.000-05:002016-11-19T08:15:15.111-05:00From my mother on the occasion of my birthdayHello Mom,<br />
<br />
This is about the time of the morning where I would get the call from you - the birthday call.<br />
<br />
Every year on my birthday I would get my special birthday wish from you.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHeKJHgFOT76A8QN09Y-hGPTD02CeSBt6X_1qxDqLAu5Qc03zChFYxk2FaGsmpaf66DyteVbNEN9c6uiZ4Uu4X3AWoBknqHeU0NxdcZucAW7UY7DMGH9njsMlrK3g_crfwC-bapl1qoSc3/s1600/20130615184324_05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHeKJHgFOT76A8QN09Y-hGPTD02CeSBt6X_1qxDqLAu5Qc03zChFYxk2FaGsmpaf66DyteVbNEN9c6uiZ4Uu4X3AWoBknqHeU0NxdcZucAW7UY7DMGH9njsMlrK3g_crfwC-bapl1qoSc3/s320/20130615184324_05.jpg" width="320" /></a>The main subject was how difficult your labor was and how my big head had to be slowly extracted from you using forceps (this was 1962, almost medieval conditions).<br />
<br />
And how dad had to drive you in the '57 Chevy to the hospital (Lake County East, no Hillcrest until 1967) in the rain, snow, thunder and lightning.<br />
<br />
And how the hospital was working on backup electrical generators during my deliver.<br />
<br />
Always sounded exciting. I was there, but I don't remember any of it.<br />
<br />
I always found it funny the obstetrician that deliver me was Dr. Thanos, whose name is uncomfortably closes to 'thanatos,' Greek for 'death.'<br />
<br />
So I came into this world with a lot of sturm and drang but you would always tell me that despite all of it, you were the happiest person in the world when I was born and that you always loved me and always would.<br />
<br />
It's been five years since I've gotten that call and frankly I miss it. You were still alive four years ago on my birthday but had lost the ability to communicate. But I knew what you were thinking.<br />
<br />
I miss the call. I still in some weird way, wait for it.<br />
<br />
I hope that wherever you are (and if anyone could walk in Heaven's front door, it would be you) I hope you're not too disappointed in me and how it all turned out.<br />
<br />
And I know you would say "I could never be disappointed in you."<br />
<br />
I know.<br />
<br />
Sing <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sto_lat" target="_blank"><i>Sto lat</i></a> in Heaven for me today mom. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-32149156172113114342016-11-15T16:52:00.000-05:002016-11-15T16:52:39.609-05:00The Rise of a New Savior <div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“By their fruits ye
shall know them” -- Matthew 7:16-20<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>White evangelicals
were so key for Trump that, had no white evangelicals voted, Clinton would have
won in a landslide, 59 percent to 35 percent. – The Washington Post<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“I would rather spend
countless millennia in Hell than one day in Pat Robertson’s Heaven” – Keith Gottschalk,
WJBC-AM, 2003<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I’m going to Hell.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wait, I pretty much believe I’m going to Hell and have for
some time now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was born and raised Roman Catholic; fell out with divorce
and tried other faiths and didn’t care for any of them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of what I know is Christianity, either in training or practice.
I think Jesus Christ was a pretty righteous dude. His followers are another
matter entirely.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But they will see glory and I will be cast into the Lake of
Fire™ for things I have done and said – too many here to list.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure if Heaven is the place pictured in Monty Python’s
‘Meaning of Life’ where it’s Christmas every day and everyone ‘looks smart and
wears a tie.’ Or, if it’s like the images in churches where everyone lolls on
clouds all day forever praising God and eating grapes. Either way, it seems
rather boring. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I, on the other hand, have always pictured Heaven as the
biggest, newest and bestest football stadium. Heaven are all the people sitting
in the luxury loges (like Jimmy Falwell and Pat Robertson and Billy or Franklin
Graham) the box seats are for the saved who aren’t the Superstars of
Christianity (sounds like a late night record offer, I know – 12 original hits,
12 original stars), purgatory people (see, I didn’t forget about the Catholics)
are in the cheap seats waiting for a ticket exchange, sort of like the Green
Bay Packers season ticket wait list. Those in Hell are divided between working
the concession stands and restrooms or serving those in the luxury loges. The
babies in limbo get to forever wander the concourses, looking out into the
field but they can never go in. They get an occasional beer and hot dog to keep
them happy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfaiORJniS8lTTM0GxXJyrigzO1oejAv2yOTZGLEYycQLTCOX7zBuKWtgmMTxpJW0YVb3wxieKGXOxGjQ9xihmb3AdViFL_foDxy-wD6crAPXKmSqh-0bJ8oS03cTlE9MsU7D6pAjWwvR1/s1600/luxury-suite-thumb-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfaiORJniS8lTTM0GxXJyrigzO1oejAv2yOTZGLEYycQLTCOX7zBuKWtgmMTxpJW0YVb3wxieKGXOxGjQ9xihmb3AdViFL_foDxy-wD6crAPXKmSqh-0bJ8oS03cTlE9MsU7D6pAjWwvR1/s320/luxury-suite-thumb-4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Except if you're a Browns fan. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
As far as being in Hell though, it won’t take much getting
used to for me. I’ve worked in the service industry during the holiday season.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the real reason for this post is this story in <i>The Washington Post</i>:<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2016/11/15/hopeful-and-relieved-evangelicals-see-trumps-win-as-their-own/">,
<i>Hopeful and relieved, conservative white
evangelicals see Trump’s win as their own</i></a>. The writer interviewed a
number of people who described how easy it was to cashier in all their moral
scruples to vote for Trump. Makes for fascinating, insightful reading and
causes me to reflect on my experiences with Christianity.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If honesty is going to get you into Heaven, this guy might
make it to the big box:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“People wanted to vote
for Hillary because they’re like, ‘Trump is a bigot.’ He is! But Hillary is 10
times worse,” (Cornerstone Church member) Scott Risvold said, sitting on an
overstuffed couch in the lobby at Cornerstone Chapel, 45 minutes early for the
Wednesday night worship service.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLb8q5QSd_YPAdv0QPvDSsCU-Fkr4Dx880Ip9IrAIeMXTKSdT5Ye6_bWveN8I31tSdhyP4yZFAc9M97U2M88_vdQA27q6nOwBTmTBW-75PKoCQZsmU9p_5ugGJG1Ty1lAJiuWVFnGl-a-5/s1600/hillary-clinton-devil-33962.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLb8q5QSd_YPAdv0QPvDSsCU-Fkr4Dx880Ip9IrAIeMXTKSdT5Ye6_bWveN8I31tSdhyP4yZFAc9M97U2M88_vdQA27q6nOwBTmTBW-75PKoCQZsmU9p_5ugGJG1Ty1lAJiuWVFnGl-a-5/s200/hillary-clinton-devil-33962.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hint</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I admire that, I really do. The only thing he didn’t say was
what Hillary was 10 times worser at. But that’s probably because that libtard
journalist wouldn’t put that in there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Every church is going
to be influenced by the culture,” (Cornerstone Church Pastor) Hamrick said.
“The issue becomes, will the church rise up and become an influencer of the
culture?”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Good God man, you’ve only had 2,000 years to do it and had a
stranglehold on public morals for many centuries of those. Maybe that was the
reason for God allowing Democrats and Gays, I dunno.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>On the opposite couch,
(CC member) Rob Cole nodded. “My sister, I just wanted to unfriend her on
Facebook today. Because she’s a die-hard Democrat,” he said. Cole told Risvold,
who worked in military intelligence before leaving the service last year at 29,
about a video he watched online in which a Christian speaker abroad hailed
Trump’s victory. “It really makes you feel great to be a Christian,” he said.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So you must be feeling really, really good, since you
resisted the temptation to reject the sister sinner (at least for now). And, of
course, this was foretold:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“For I have come to
set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a
daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” – Matthew 10:35<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
OK, I didn’t see anything about brother against sister, but
maybe that’s a given. It was in my family anyway.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, after all, in the first part of that verse, Jesus says:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“Do not think that I
have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a
sword.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Remember THAT this Thanksgiving.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, see, Trump is prophecy. I can’t see him riding a pale
horse, however. Putin yes, Trump, not so much.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On we go:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>That’s how (CC member
Rose) Aller, the substitute teacher, felt, too. “There’s been a big attack on
our Christian faith. I think Christians took a big stand this time and said
we’re going to stand up for our faith.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That ‘big attack’ was no doubt launched by the same people
who brought us The War on Christmas™ Hmmmm. Maybe Python was right and Heaven
is a place where every day is Christmas and those who dare to say <i>happy holidays</i> are thrown into The Lake
of Fire™<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2aayZUZcpk4vWGk6qbIXiOSjLozAMru9plAcoGeDlvS6D2q4yJy0Dpl3EjU7VlYW0nRqAyaVu5y6YUWRa3jNEPsZmER5T6yFN6WhMpDtlQOwEMK3ZGqF2Z9mMezl1KS534JwVes_aQGp-/s1600/war-on-christmas-decaf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2aayZUZcpk4vWGk6qbIXiOSjLozAMru9plAcoGeDlvS6D2q4yJy0Dpl3EjU7VlYW0nRqAyaVu5y6YUWRa3jNEPsZmER5T6yFN6WhMpDtlQOwEMK3ZGqF2Z9mMezl1KS534JwVes_aQGp-/s320/war-on-christmas-decaf.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Feelings. . . </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The morning after the
election, Aller said, a black second-grader came into her school and declared,
“Trump was elected, so we’re moving.” Aller said she responded, “We’re going to
miss you. Let me know when your last day is. We’ll throw you a goodbye party.” She
says she’s sure the boy knew she was joking.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Har de har har. Of course she knew. She could <i>see his heart!</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Hamrick preached
Wednesday night about the culture that has bewildered and infuriated
evangelicals during the Obama years. “There’s gender confusion. There’s sexual
identity confusion — people are inventing words now,” he said in his teaching.
Mentioning the pop star Miley Cyrus, he continued: “Pansexual. What do all
these words mean?”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that new and big words are difficult for you types
but remember -- Google is your friend. Unless you consider the Internet the
Devil’s Playground™ <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But hey, VP-in-waiting Mike Pence believes you can pray the
gay away (and probably all matter of sexual perversion) and if that doesn’t
work there are ways. . . other ways. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQo2NAstvNM0YiIsCq1gt1hdiSK-QsM7BobexVgVEd8Rg6JKQhESYag9L23HEgJNLXc_yJEx-eJxVbSD6ou7CThjnisKEJmiB9pieUUK-FApJEEhjC_H_OeeEyS1cvvY30SFceD-vucFN5/s1600/spanish-inquisition-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQo2NAstvNM0YiIsCq1gt1hdiSK-QsM7BobexVgVEd8Rg6JKQhESYag9L23HEgJNLXc_yJEx-eJxVbSD6ou7CThjnisKEJmiB9pieUUK-FApJEEhjC_H_OeeEyS1cvvY30SFceD-vucFN5/s320/spanish-inquisition-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cardinal Biggles. . .. the RACK!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And finally:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“It’s like every day
our morals in America are being chipped away. Now on the radio you can say
words you couldn’t say eight years ago,” said Risvold, the military veteran.
“The more we go immoral and crazy, and everybody’s feelings count — I feel this
and I feel that.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah, I know how you FEEL man. I just know it. OUR morals
are being chipped away. Damn, pretty soon the pastor’s wife (that harlot!) will
probably get a tattoo. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLfaV_nnRowJ4HDE1e2S_IOWjobxK10iIRX6Uh_OI3orvysK5hGoFaOxJzQ4giPT8r_kRNtdAuPM5hWpoFIZFyY2zgvAuaJ-ngVpnOXbg8yics48kb9vHhjsBgJsMwoAQSA3-uc4qdvZOp/s1600/29733ffc42fe7f5b307480fe422b8f8b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLfaV_nnRowJ4HDE1e2S_IOWjobxK10iIRX6Uh_OI3orvysK5hGoFaOxJzQ4giPT8r_kRNtdAuPM5hWpoFIZFyY2zgvAuaJ-ngVpnOXbg8yics48kb9vHhjsBgJsMwoAQSA3-uc4qdvZOp/s200/29733ffc42fe7f5b307480fe422b8f8b.jpg" width="200" /></a>And as for feelings, I get ya’. Men shouldn’t have them.
They’re supposed to be reserved for the wimmen folk especially at that time of
the month where they pay for Eve’s sin. Feelings get us into a lot of trouble.
It’s best we keep them inside us.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dunno, I remember all the Christian folk talking about
their feelings that the world was persecuting them. They didn’t want to make
that cake for the gay person because it made them feel like sinners. Stuff like
that. I guess certain feelings are OK, others aren’t. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before you join me in the snark fest, remember: these are
the people who are going to Heaven. Not me, not you – them, because their bible
tells them so, IF they do everything God commands.<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5nCVP_e1q9UUeA53vspkOvthtpAtLUhKMPd7nz5TNgYI0qzxSaeBSFeWjACUO6fCTuMw_wDApsJulcyMqtlGVhbBYZQE22aSUHwbm9RqOeKTNOZThFIvi3FqJ6VObQ_2B0evzpb0PVV1/s1600/imrs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5nCVP_e1q9UUeA53vspkOvthtpAtLUhKMPd7nz5TNgYI0qzxSaeBSFeWjACUO6fCTuMw_wDApsJulcyMqtlGVhbBYZQE22aSUHwbm9RqOeKTNOZThFIvi3FqJ6VObQ_2B0evzpb0PVV1/s320/imrs.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taxi! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which always confused me during that time I was a Lutheran
and was taught that we were saved by Grace Alone™ I wish these Christian
churches would get together and come up with an agreed upon way to stay out of
hell. I guess no matter what you believe, voting for Donald Trump was a start.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Again, though, I’m confused. Not all the Christian churches
supported Trump. Many Christians thought his views and actions were very un-Jesus-like.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I guess these are not the ‘Evangelical’ Christians, so
perhaps they are Fake Christians. I guess that’s a problem: people can call
themselves whatever they like and Risvold says that’s a problem.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I looked up the word ‘evangelical.’ Merriam-Webster online
says this:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>of or relating to a
Christian sect or group that stresses the authority of the Bible, the
importance of believing that Jesus Christ saved you personally from sin or
hell, and the preaching of these beliefs to other people<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>having or showing very
strong and enthusiastic feelings</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s funny, I read this article and have been in and out of
Christianity all my life and I don’t think Mr. Trump has anything to do with it
or evangelicals. I mean, he’s never even talked in tongues. Well, wait, maybe
he did. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the people who claim to be Evangelical Christians are
supposed to remain apart from convening with those whose lifestyle is an
abomination to the Lord. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in this case, they cast their lot with the unrepentant sinner
because. . . they wanted power; not to protect themselves but for themselves so
that they may conquer in the sign of the cross via the U.S. Code and the
Supreme Court.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other Christians have cast their lots with dictators
throughout history and it never went well for them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So we seem to have a dispute, simply enough, between those
wanting Trump to use God’s law to trump man’s law. And it seems that some
Christians now see the rise of their flawed champion as their golden
opportunity to create a world that the Commander in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Handmaid%27s_Tale">The Handmaid’s Tale</a>
would be proud of. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT3g9QjmfQqvQGVNSsWW7Fgrm76wj3xC-jjr9-E3OR6Rex75ChIpaLBjd92O9Oq_3OUKoq-Q2sl5sfFuCsXaTqb68ZOLCNlKOBvSSRu0kry56qEIhFk3CEZO5TvnH7C1mJjPdzJUMCNoRX/s1600/b50b5a9fbe9a68fba918e31947db1828.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT3g9QjmfQqvQGVNSsWW7Fgrm76wj3xC-jjr9-E3OR6Rex75ChIpaLBjd92O9Oq_3OUKoq-Q2sl5sfFuCsXaTqb68ZOLCNlKOBvSSRu0kry56qEIhFk3CEZO5TvnH7C1mJjPdzJUMCNoRX/s320/b50b5a9fbe9a68fba918e31947db1828.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s all so confusing. They all seem to be trying to save
themselves from perdition by making the rest of us conform to their belief
system whether we like it or not. And they believe they have finally found their
savior. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This reminds me of something from a long-ago play where
these same issues were fought over:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Roper: So now you'd
give the Devil benefit of law!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>More: Yes. What would
you do? Cut a great road through the law to get after the Devil?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Roper: I'd cut down
every law in England to do that!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>More: Oh? And when the
last law was down, and the Devil turned round on you — where would you hide,
Roper, the laws all being flat? This country's planted thick with laws from
coast to coast — <b>man's laws, not God's</b>
— and if you cut them down — and you're just the man to do it — d'you really
think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I'd give
the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety's sake.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB8H0HKCtgJ4qI7PF7DZQcR6zhQc34X4g8PMF42KnCYfbiCSHiZGboRD7J0KWRW4aJ2iMtmOxgFumKPh6EkHya3v_Cv23LEzRuDAIvJ5ADpQtI055v1dOET9b5THO6-Oh9yuJDNJ_SSsPE/s1600/All+SEasons+Trial+Red+Robes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB8H0HKCtgJ4qI7PF7DZQcR6zhQc34X4g8PMF42KnCYfbiCSHiZGboRD7J0KWRW4aJ2iMtmOxgFumKPh6EkHya3v_Cv23LEzRuDAIvJ5ADpQtI055v1dOET9b5THO6-Oh9yuJDNJ_SSsPE/s320/All+SEasons+Trial+Red+Robes.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Man for All Seasons</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this point, I’ll vote for the Constitution over the
Bible, thanks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See you in Hell!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJB-EhhlRxjNuDT8MM8lSdzZ_Nq9ziQ59WwAlVhKXdr0dLaWDdqL7LDgHLCMqScLVQ1LvUZC8N8MsYC9chL244kpcWBag0WGgzyBqme96gSVQxj6xEAGz4dW1LcHf7c1wLWVAqT2mkaLD/s1600/tumblr_nn5r4acnyI1u0qg6ro1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLJB-EhhlRxjNuDT8MM8lSdzZ_Nq9ziQ59WwAlVhKXdr0dLaWDdqL7LDgHLCMqScLVQ1LvUZC8N8MsYC9chL244kpcWBag0WGgzyBqme96gSVQxj6xEAGz4dW1LcHf7c1wLWVAqT2mkaLD/s320/tumblr_nn5r4acnyI1u0qg6ro1_500.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1834155550847307486.post-85743394795769960242016-11-11T10:47:00.000-05:002016-11-11T10:47:32.072-05:00"And the Union workhouses." demanded Scrooge. "Are they still in operation?"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone’s talking Trump and the election and either it’s a
new day in America or the doorstep of Armageddon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t mean to sound crass, but I predicted Trump would win
the day he announced – with the caveat: if he really wants it. My wife is
witness to that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been an American all my life and if there is one thing
I do know, I know my people. And they were ready for someone like Trump.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only thing that surprised me is that any candidate for
public office could so shoot themselves in the foot so often and still win.
THAT surprised me – a little.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what it all comes down for me, is a phrase I’ve not
heard used in election post-mortems; at least not yet.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The term is ‘compassion fatigue.’ Remember that?</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ93qv5ijzjQTg8w-2PQtayG5XjiHhK7n1E-vvOr5BJxkbMMvIBaRHcyez2Dmk2UcNrj5EWnbhMoucppwAf_4fS-Yvs3mZFypRzXodffkto7x1RAiQARAGjqvj_BvMwQyBn2Eg5Ryu_84y/s1600/abc_hospital_surveil5_080701_ms.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ93qv5ijzjQTg8w-2PQtayG5XjiHhK7n1E-vvOr5BJxkbMMvIBaRHcyez2Dmk2UcNrj5EWnbhMoucppwAf_4fS-Yvs3mZFypRzXodffkto7x1RAiQARAGjqvj_BvMwQyBn2Eg5Ryu_84y/s320/abc_hospital_surveil5_080701_ms.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=5284151&page=1" target="_blank">This happened in 2008. Did anything change? Or course not.</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It can mean something different to people who care for the
disabled but in the popular vernacular, it means “indifference to charitable
appeals on behalf of those who are suffering, experienced as a result of the
frequency or number of such appeals.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was sometime in the latter half of the 1980s when concern
for ‘the poor’ in American political discourse was replaced instead, with
concern for the middle class. The poor became invisible to the politicians
largely because they didn’t vote or contribute campaign cash, and, invisible to
many Americans because they were an intractable problem that Lyndon Johnson had
failed to solve. So they were done with them. Besides, they kept blocking the
sidewalks downtown with their incessant demands for change. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Remember this song?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Standing in line,
marking time<br />
Waiting for the welfare dime<br />
'Cause they can't buy a job<br />
The man in the silk suit hurries by<br />
As he catches the poor old lady's eyes<br />
Just for fun he says, "Get a job."</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_It_Is_(song)">Bruce
Hornsby from 1986</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember an interview with Hornsby some time ago where he
recounted that a well-coiffed young lady came up to him and said she really
loved his song and agreed that ‘those people’ should go out and get a job.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this has been going on for some time now but primarily
under the surface. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Skipping through a lot of history since then, we can come to
the point where the problem with providing people with basic health care
reached a critical mass important enough for the political class to do
something about it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it wasn’t going to be a Canadian or British-style
national health care plan, oh no. Because socialism.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the President said this:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Millions of our
citizens do not now have a full measure of opportunity to achieve and enjoy
good health. Millions do not now have protection or security against the
economic effects of sickness. The time has arrived for action to help them
attain that opportunity and that protection.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t President Obama. Those were the words of Harry
Truman who proposed a <a href="http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/november-19-1945-harry-truman-calls-national-health-insurance-program/">universal
national health insurance plan</a> in, wait for it. . . 1945.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The American Medical Association (AMA) led the charge to
shoot it down, of course. Because socialism.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was amazed that the ugly chimera that came to be known as
‘Obamacare’ actually got as far as it did. Now it will probably be undone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because socialism. Because compassion fatigue. Because you’re
not gonna give ‘free health care’ to ‘them who didn’t work for/deserve it.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The rallying cry of compassion fatigue is ‘not with my tax
dollars you won’t.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Health care for the poor? See above.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pre-natal or contraception services/abortions for women? See
above.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Quality</i> school
lunch programs and expanded education opportunities for kids from poor families?
See above.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Halfway homes for recovering addicts or those released from
jail? See above.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A new generation of jet fighters for an expanded war in the
Middle East? Whoa, wait, let’s not be hasty here.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, you see where I’m going with this. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But compassion fatigue, over time, does other things to
society. It makes us coarser to those less fortunate than us and we begin to
believe that’s because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">these people
didn’t take responsibility for themselves</i> or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">it was God’s will</i>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We begin to lack empathy for each other when we can so
cavalierly dismiss their suffering. These people, the poor, the disabled, the
disadvantaged, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jeez, we’ve been listening
to them whine for this and that for decades. We’ve cared enough and paid enough
and, gosh darn it, we’ve had it pretty rough too and no one gave us a handout.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me speak now for the physically and mentally disabled.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I noticed an attitude of eye rolling when I used to cover
city council meetings back in the 90s and early 00’s when the subject of the
Americans with Disabilities Act came up. Expensive and ugly ramps we have to
build the city engineers said. Parking spaces no one will use. Expensive
handicapped restrooms and other modifications to building plans. And yet they
want more – can you imagine? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My
grandmother was in a wheelchair and no one ever built HER a ramp with taxpayer
dollars!</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Public programs for the mentally ill? Don’t get me started.
Ronald Reagan freed the mentally ill from the horrors of institutionalization
to the tender mercies of unfunded community care and unaffordable for-profit
treatment centers. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why in God’s name do
we waste money on people that will add not one dime to the GNP? Now they’re
everywhere in public being a nuisance and demanding their rights, just like the
cripples. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Compassion fatigue does horrible things to society.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
According to Snopes.com, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">New
York Times</i> reporter Serge Kovaleski suffers from arthrogryposis, a
condition which limits the movement of joints and is particularly noticeable in
Kovaleski's right arm and hand.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know where I’m going here. <a href="http://www.snopes.com/2016/07/28/donald-trump-criticized-for-mocking-disabled-reporter/">You
all saw what President Elect Donald Trump did</a> in front of God and everyone.
He mocked Kovaleski’s impairment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwZ_SFaPMlhYP3pEXgbn9EWEsVG1Zl5NAZTzBTKPgefnjzoKLhnk2a9qAcz67Q4ynUqArzfLICKYDVw2m0auiYHd_FcJDXNEDL9yYoHPareV1C97UzrXegRyaiYywAn3vu9S3sHEExRSGa/s1600/disabled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwZ_SFaPMlhYP3pEXgbn9EWEsVG1Zl5NAZTzBTKPgefnjzoKLhnk2a9qAcz67Q4ynUqArzfLICKYDVw2m0auiYHd_FcJDXNEDL9yYoHPareV1C97UzrXegRyaiYywAn3vu9S3sHEExRSGa/s320/disabled.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Funny, right? And so Presidential</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People were, for the most part, shocked. I wasn’t. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember seeing it for the first time on TV and feeling
nothing except the inexorable inevitability of historical trends. I knew we
would get here, because history.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been a while in coming, but I knew we’d get to the
point where a candidate for President would mock the disabled, not to mention
all the other groups of people that were mocked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I thought of my son, an adult with autism. His mother, my
mother and I had to fight every step of the way for special services for him in
a public school. You would have thought we were stealing the Superintendent’s
own money. My son used to get harassed on the playground by other kids. I know
because once when I was a playground monitor, it happened right in front of me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other parents made their feelings known at school board
meetings that too much money was being spent on ‘special education’ to the
detriment of their little achievers, bound for the Ivy League.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my son did <a href="http://www.myaspergers.net/what-is-aspergers/hand-flapping-aspergers-autism-spectrum/">the
whole hand flapping phase</a> which brought quite a few disapproving looks in
public. I had to take him out of church and many restaurants because I didn’t
want anyone to get mad at him for ruining their dinner or service. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Clinton campaign not only did a political ad criticizing
Trump for mocking the reporter but also an ad from a Republican mom with an
autistic son who saw her son in that reporter and was aghast at Trump’s
behavior.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would say about 20 years ago, it would have been enough to
sink any candidate, but not now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’re kid has autism?
Too fucking bad, take care of him, don’t ask for any help from us. Life is
tough. And hey, when your kid does that flapping thing, it makes my kid
nervous, OK? We shouldn’t have to see that. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nope. I wasn’t surprised at all. As I wrote, I know my
people all too well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many, many disenfranchised groups are stating their fears of
this Brave New World of Trumpism this week. So, I will chime in and say I fear
for not only my son, but for all the people with physical and mental disorders,
including the bipolar, anxiety and depressive illnesses I share with countless
others. We are now all on notice that we’re officially ‘in the way.’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s time to put all
of them back where they came from – to the asylums, the work farms and the
institutions -- because no one who is a normal, God-fearing, taxpaying,
hard-working American has time or money for that anymore. And that goes for ALL
the special snowflake, overly sensitive, social justice warriors too! </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicAAM8BtIu9kEUIPwD_BawGl2qSlBKNSczS5Kr2oIiSxANOBjZJMQZ5uNJr-KnR0ZoKougHT8c_RcMMvdQ5a2lOVTO15qgbhmZRMj-q60wmS33mCURkMNBSthJ5F_u4VFFr5j17tLgLp4P/s1600/bd3d73dcdfc6be0c1cdf7db024c380ee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicAAM8BtIu9kEUIPwD_BawGl2qSlBKNSczS5Kr2oIiSxANOBjZJMQZ5uNJr-KnR0ZoKougHT8c_RcMMvdQ5a2lOVTO15qgbhmZRMj-q60wmS33mCURkMNBSthJ5F_u4VFFr5j17tLgLp4P/s320/bd3d73dcdfc6be0c1cdf7db024c380ee.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Right, back you go, out of sight, out of mind</i></td></tr>
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Vince Lombardi (who probably would have loved Trump) was
famous for saying that fatigue makes cowards of us all. </div>
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I think compassion fatigue makes heartless ghouls of us all
– if we let it. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03434645623403313401noreply@blogger.com0