Reflections on the day after Christmas

Not a thing in the US. But it could be.

About half of everyone I know gets some kind of sickness or injury around the holidays. My wife has the eternal cough and I am fighting what may be some insidious form of bronchitis. It’s the kind when just when you think it’s gone it returns like a Trump tweet.

We had a nice Christmas in that is was without issues. I guess it was kind of an introvert’s Christmas. We went up to the ex’s and saw the kids, exchanged gifts and headed home – 8 hours max outside the house. But my wife’s cough was an issue and I didn’t want her too far between breathing treatments. And then I started up with the wheezing.

I make strange noises when I wheeze. I woke up with it today. It’s like there’s a little mouse inside of me tweeting. It’s almost funny.

I won’t go to the doctor. I was there earlier in the week and while they were very nice (gave me tea) I’m not going to waste any more time or money to be told things I already know. My lungs were clean then; they are not now. Hot showers are the best treatment.

Back to Christmas. It’s always mournful to remember the festivities of my youth and when my kids were little. My wife and I, I must reiterate had a very pleasant time together. All was calm, all was bright. We had a nice ham. It was probably for the best that neither of us has big extended families to deal with.

I read a number of Internet message boards both Facebook and others. A lot of angst and marital strife is engendered when couples fight on how to parcel their time between each other’s families. 

This really gets serious. I don’t have to worry about that. 

And yet.

Something’s missing. Even my wife messages her cousins remembering how making the ham and such reminds her of Christmas was a long-deceased Aunt. I remember the way our family home was decorated. We have no tree now because we have a cat.

I put up lights the first two years we lived here but not the last two years. I just don’t feel like it and I have nary the energy anyway. 

We have an 18-inch pink tree on top of a bookcase. Other than that, you’d never know that it was Christmas in this house. We enjoy other neighbor’s light displays. 

Again, we had a VERY pleasant Christmas together. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. We enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else’s. 

And yet.

I know I’ve made this observation before but I must again for this is my blog and a peek into the lives those of us lead with various mental conditions, mild or otherwise. 

I have four relations left that I am aware are still alive. Due to various family disagreements, none of us are speaking to each other and no one make any effort to do so, me included. One thing I have yet to learn, but am working on, is that some doors, in fact, most doors, are probably best left shut.

You open those doors at your peril. Life is not a Hallmark movie. Instead of forgiveness and warm feelings, more often than not, all the anger and bitter resentment you’ve tried to forget gets dredged up again.

Of the remaining relations, two are cousins on my mother’s side who are still nursing grudges having to do with old family spats between our mothers. One re-connected with me and then broke it off relatively quickly when I failed to be Christian enough for her. One I cut off for the sake of my own mental health. 

Everyone else is dead or long dispersed and lost to history. One I suspect who is still alive, would rather remain alone in his eternal grief. I feel great sorrow for him but I respect his right to live in his own world. When he dies, I’ll probably not know. Those two cousins on my mother’s side? When their father (my uncle) died, they didn’t even bother letting me know. I found out months later googling his name and finding his obituary. 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Facebook is not a drug for many people. It allows one to look into the lives of others and, for the most part, measure your life against theirs. We all try (well, except me, but I’m crazy) to put our best face on the book (see what I did there?). But everyone’s different and the luck of the draw can be very destructive to some people and their families through little fault of their own. 

These are the people who should stop looking at Facebook and the Internet in general at the holidays. 

But I can’t. I like that people are happy with their extended families this time of year. Their pictures bring a smile to my face. 

But also, they bring a twinge to my heart. I try to pin it down what exactly I’m missing and what I come up is the feeling of togetherness, of belonging. 

Even those Christmas Eves when there was family intrigue going on that as a child I was unaware of, I had the feeling of being part of an extended family where all the kids were accepted as God’s gift to everyone. We were doted on, we were spoiled to an extent but more than that, we were home. Whichever relative’s house we were in, we were at home. It was a wonderful feeling. 

I suppose that’s why I don’t leave my home much anymore. This is it – I feel at home here. It’s like the last outpost. My wife and I are here in a home we love. Since moving in, in the last three years, we have entertained guests exactly twice and one was my wife’s work friends. It’s not that we don’t want to – we just don’t have anyone around here that lives close enough and are friendly enough with.

So we have this house, with a basement for entertaining, one that I once decked out for Christmas with authentic 1950s aluminum tree that would be perfect for the kind of holiday family get togethers I used to know and. . . we have each other. 

It seems like a shame. 

I wonder if the excitement of throwing a party, which I used to know, would gain me the energy to do it – to clean and ready the house for guests; to have a big party and a wonderful time. I used to. I was quite a party thrower. 

Surrounded by all the memorabilia of my past in the basement, I do feel like I am entertaining the ghosts of my past. It’s probably why, for all my pride in creating this space, I spend so little time down there alone. After a while, it’s discomforting. I could pour myself a nice drink and stare at pictures of my dead parents, my high school classmates and my original name tag from McDonalds. 

Perhaps I fear if I do that too long, I’ll land up in my own Twilight Zone episode. 

And so it was Christmas and everything was sedate. No drama, no worries over getting the right gifts or burning the dinner or whether uncle so and so would go on a drunken tirade, etc. 

In my present state of physical and mental health, I am grateful. 

And yet.

Sappy Christmas Giving Plug

I’m waiting for the letter carrier. She’s a nice lady.

I have a Christmas Card for her. It contains a $50 bill just like last year.

She’s the only person we do this for. Lately, I know she’s bucking for the same Christmas tip she got last year. She’s been getting out of her vehicle to do a lot of ‘special deliveries’ on our porch and inside the garage. She even signed something for us – something I’m not sure she’s technically allowed to do.

I don’t mind her obvious December campaign for the bonus. It just shows me she appreciates it. And, she deserves it. And, it’s a rare opportunity to make someone I don’t really know happy because she’s in something of a thankless job and does it well.

To me, these little acts are the true spirit of Christmas. Last year, our letter carrier made sure she sent us a nice thank you card. I imagined the things she might have done with the money.

I like doing things like that and it’s a shame I don’t often get the chance. 

I was a little worried this year that I might have to knock the gift down a little but I didn’t so that was good. 

There’s a Salvation Army kettle in front of the Wal-Mart, as usual. I usually drop a few bucks or two in the kettle over the course of the season. I’m a little conflicted because of the Army’s social-political positions but I think the good outweighs the bad in this case.

But I’d rather give directly to people and make their day a little brighter. Maybe there are ways you can do that too. I’ve heard of people picking up checks for diners. That’s a little iffy since you don’t really know them. But if you overhear a story from them that makes you think your gift might really be appreciated, I say go for it.

Same thing in lines for groceries and toys. Maybe there is some more good you or I can do to pay it forward. 

I don’t have much human contact and people generally scare me, now more than ever. 

But in our cruel and heartless age, the ability to give personally and selflessly is perhaps needed now more than ever. 

Garrison Keillor once wrote an essay on kindness. It was received with much venom from people who thought Keillor’s kindness came out of their pockets at the barrel of a gun to be given to undeserving people who would blow it on cigarettes and booze. ‘Kindness’ in their eyes, became something liberals do that throws the wheels of social Darwinism out of whack and therefore must be resisted with stern discipline.

That column always stuck with me. To me there is nothing wrong with kindness; it makes us human. To many who support the new President, it is instead, seen as a sign of weakness. 

I have been let down, I have been betrayed. I have had people go out of their way to hurt me and I still don’t know why. I bet you have too. Kindness is tough. But it separates us from those who would rather watch the world burn. 

We could do a lot of good if we were more aware of the little things we could do to spread happiness around us. I miss so much because of my paranoia and distrust. I have blinders on as I go through the day so I am not distracted or accosted. My mail carrier is someone that is easy for me to remember and someone I can PLAN on doing something nice at Christmas. That is the word – PLAN. 

For those of us with our various mental conditions, spontaneous displays of emotion and charity can be frightening. 

But maybe if we’re a little more mindful, all of us can do something to make another person’s day brighter at this time of year – and all year. To me, this represents a personal struggle to maintain my humanity. I want to preserve that humanity; but it’s hard. 

So, let me finish with a story of an act of kindness I still don’t believe.

I was moving from Sioux Falls to my hometown of Chardon and my U-Haul broke down in the Quad Cities. They sent a tow truck driver who left me in a U-Haul facility where a gentleman was endeavoring to get me a new truck. There were few available in the area and it was going to be tough. I might have to spend the night there and I was very nervous.

But he got me a new truck and gave me the keys and asked me to back it up to the old truck where he would help me transfer all the stuff from the broken truck into this new one.

I backed up without looking in the mirror and promptly caved in the side of a sedan that was sitting next to the bay. 

I was beyond panicked – I was mortified. Now this would be an insurance issue – what more could go wrong. 

Well, the guy came over and told me to forget about it. Maybe he could see the pain and panic on my face, I don’t know. He would NOT take my insurance card. “It’s just a go-for car we drive around the lot,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

I DID make him take all the cash in my wallet – around $100 which he said he would donate to his family church. 

And then he helped me transfer all my stuff from one truck to another and I was on my way.

There are angels on earth and maybe you will meet one someday. I met one that day and I will always remember and feel grateful. I have no idea what he told his boss about the crumpled door of the sedan.

So, when I think of what I can do, I remember the kindness shown me that day and I have endeavored to pay it forward ever since. 

May your holidays be one of active giving, your time, your money, yourselves. 

OK, this is sappy but I don’t care. I may never forget a hurt, but I also never remember a kindness.

And after all, isn’t that what this season is all about?

Here are some ideas

Gratitude

Disclaimer: these feelings of gratitude could change at any time, especially tomorrow.

I've been struggling to write lately. Tomorrow is the soon-to-be-famous Address to the Director and I was thinking about writing on that but since I've been informed that the Stasi reads the blog, why tip my hand?

The old fallback for mental health bloggers and other pitchers of woo is to do 'the gratitude column.' Of course, that's akin to singing 'Climb Every Mountain' as their shoveling dirt in your grave, but whatever.

1. I am most grateful for my wife without whom, I would not be here today. Probably. Out of 7 billion mortals, I'm convinced she's the only one who not only gets me but can take living with me. Believe me, it isn't easy.

2. My hometown Cleveland Indians are one game away from winning their first World Series since 1948. As someone who attended their first Indians game as a 10 year old and skipped class in college to catch noon games, this is a big deal.

3. Despite an absolutely atrocious diet, for some reason, all the major organs, including the heart (!) are in pretty good shape. Yes, the liver has been battered but is better than it was three years ago. I have no idea why this is happening.

4. Even though it is rapidly filling with yarn and knitting accessories (caution to anyone marrying a knitter), I love my house and especially my basement sports bar/newseum. This is the only house I have lived in in my entire life that I feel totally comfortable in. It took awhile after the police raid to get back to a point of feeling somewhat secure, but that was not the house's fault.

5. I still like my Mustang. It was not a life-transforming machine, but then no one should count on a car to do that. It's still pretty sharp and fulfills a long-held dream from young adulthood to own one. And I figured, if mommy and daddy gave me one for my birthday in high school (as did happen) I probably would have crashed it anyway.

6. Coffee. I bought a new coffee machine yesterday and can taste the difference this morning. Thank whomever for coffee. How could we live without it?

7. Fall - my favorite time of year. After a particularly difficult getting-the-yard-ready-for-winter session yesterday, I sat for awhile and watched the wind whistle through the orange, red and green trees and felt a bit of childhood come back to me. Nothing like the feel and smell of fall. And when you get to be my age, you really have to stop and savor every one. You never know.

8. Friends - I still have some. They're mostly on the Internet. Some I haven't seen in awhile (since my high school reunion) and I hope they haven't given up on me. I know I'm a pill but I'd like to think I'm not really that bad a guy. At least my wife tells me so. I still have a friend in my home town - I don't get to see him and his wife very much anymore. Most of my IRL friends are my wife's friends and I don't get to see them much at all. And all the friends I lost, I still think about and wonder how they are doing.

9. Family -- not much left here. My two boys are really my pride and joy and even though I hardly ever see them, they know I love them with every Amazon delivery. Everyone else on my side is dead or not speaking to me because of long held grudges against my mother. My family, as it were, is my wife's family and I get the impression they think I'm a weirdo but they tolerate me the times I see them once a year.

10. The Cleveland Browns -- whenever I feel like the biggest loser on Earth, a pathetic waste of human space, a damaged, despised waste of potential, I think of the Browns and then I don't feel so bad.

Ah, hell, this is degenerating into 'gratitude with conditions,' so I'll stop it here. It's already a longer list than I thought it would be.