Settle Down Francis

Yes, yes, yes and.  .  . yes.

Indicative of the strain I'm under (and admittedly not handling well), 'bad Keith' came out on the blog last night and went into manic posting mode which last reared it's head around 10 years ago.

I suppose it's good that I'm better at recognizing the warning signs.

I thought about removing last night's post and decided against it. The whole point of this blog is to show the good, bad and ugly as go through the stages, reflected in my writing.

But I'd be lying this morning if I didn't say I wasn't a little worried.

Last night was a particularly lousy night sleep punctuated by a charley horse in the right calf that had me bolt upright at 3 a.m. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom for awhile. I got up at close to 8, exhausted with my calf still in pain. I felt woozy and lightheaded but gradually forced myself to get going, get off the couch.

My major accomplishments were vacuuming the pond and going to the vet with wife and cat.

The sun has come out and I feel better. Not great, better. I am definitely jumpy and short of breath. Whether this is developing in a real hypomanic stage is still a little too early to tell but all the signs are there.

Stress is cumulative. For me, it built up all week, getting a big kick on Wednesday when I got my reprimand. Yesterday was 10 hours of pain. The issue is I'm finding it harder to get back to a semblance of sanity in the three days I am home. This worries me.

Saturday's especially in the mornings, are no longer fun. I should probably stay in bed but I just can't. My pride won't let me. At least I have that left.

But I have to get control of the stress that slowly becomes anger inside me. Diversions are what I need. I hated the idea of vacuuming the pond but it needed it and once I got started, I got going. I just felt lightheaded and was a bit worried about slipping and hitting my head on a rock.

An Ativan and a Gatorade on the way to the vets seemed to help me turn the corner.

RIght now the most annoying thing is the ringing in my ears is ferocious - a whistling whine.

I did one positive thing about my situation at work - I finally went to my thrift savings plan site and re-arranged my funds to be more aggressive in my investing. It was long past time.

So I'm rolling my retirement (such as it is) dice on the upcoming election. This should be fun.

In the meantime, pet the cat, watch college football and try to relax.

And put Mr. Mania back in the closet again.